Preternatural Postbag

Dr E.mann’s

Dear Dr E. Mann, LOL! I love ur things about when u use guts to do the predictions. I got guts problems and keep doing farts. Can you use guts magic to cure my bum. Beefy, 18, UEA

Dear Beefy, Tanks for the email, it’s always good to hear from a young man with a healthy interest in haruspication. Unfortunately, I see nothing in my entrails regarding your flatulence, Beefy. I’m afraid I see only death. Not your death. Te death of someone you love. Maybe your mother, or perhaps a loved pet. Maybe both, Beefy. Or maybe you should spend less time being a keyboard-bothering virgin, you internet-trolling Oxbridge-reject wanker.

Dear Dr E. Mann, My friend sends me a copy of the magazine every month whilst I’m stationed here in Ibiza, and I’m loving your work. I’m thinking of starting my own theme bar out here called “Daves”. It’s going to be real money, baby, with great DJs, nice chairs, and a smoking section with a pizza oven. I really think it would be somewhere different and a bit upmarket, but my mate reckons it’s a mistake to have topless Jägerbomb Tursdays, what do you see in my future – success or failure? Dave, 37, San Antonio

Dear David, Let me first say what an honour it is to be read so far from home. Te thought that my humble musings are reaching the very extremes of the Iberian Peninsula makes my Balearics

bang to the beat of the phat bass. However, I think your mate has a good point. When I was last in Hemingway’s stomping ground, old Espanola was a refined and noble land, most unsuited to wet boozy bangers. Much like your clomping DJ, I’ve consulted the decks (tarot, that is!), and the cards are saying to go with the classy option.

Dear Dr E. Mann, he other morning, I was making a piece of toast, and on the telly was that Aymon Holmes. And he said “I’m bready for action!” because he was baking or something and then the toast popped up and I swear to fucking god that there was a picture of Aimon Homms in the butter. Is this a Brexfast omen? NigelCollage69, 69, Norfolk

Dear Nigel, Tis is the unfortunate problem with psychic overenthusiasm: the tendency to see signs where there are none. If I had a pound for every time I’ve seen Holmes’ ugly mug in a dairy based food I’d be a rich man, let me tell you. It’s his neck. It lends itself to the lactose. You’re taking this curds and whey too far. Tere’s a huge difference between reading the signs and seeding the rhymes. Leave it to us professionals to sort the holier from the pareidolia.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. I want something black, but with some colour in there; something modern but classic; something tribal, but with a certain je ne sais quoi. Basically, I want something awesome but

Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny.

Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny. If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? Pick a card. Any card. Find some sort of card. Te nearest card. It’s a debit card, isn’t it. Look at the long number on the front. Te first four figures are 4751. Abracabanker!

I’m not sure what. For £25. Can you do something and tell me what tattoo I should get. Tryhardwithavengeance69, 31, Unthank Road

Dear Try, I am lucky enough to know many that practice the art of tattooistry; the inking of vibrant flesh with deeply personal - for some even magical – symbols. And I assure you that there is nothing such practitioners relish more than when people call them saying “what ho, inker, I want something cool. I got a pony. My mate will do it for 20 notes. Can you do it Saturday?” Tey’ll put you in the right direction, I’m sure.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m in a bit of a bind. I’ve got this mate called Dave who lives in Ibiza. He keeps talking about opening a bar. So far so good. Only, he wants to call it “Daves”. I haven’t the heart to tell him that he’s missing an apostrophe, and if he does indeed open a bar called “Daves”, people will think it’s a Dave-themed bar, or a bar only for people called Dave. His punters will turn up expecting the best of the world of Daves. You know; your Grohls, your Chapelles, your Mustaines, your Matthewses. Tey’ll think he’s a proper Charlie when they find out there’s only one Dave. And that this particular Dave thinks that topless drinking is appropriate. And that it’s him. Should I point out his mistake and risk embarrassing or angering him? Friendofdave, 37, Great Yarmouth

Dear Friend, Yes. You should do that.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m a student at UEA and I’ve got a friend who is one of these internet trolls. He likes to write to blogs and chatboards and magazine sites pretending to be a child that does farts because he thinks it’s funny. Te thing is, I’ve always thought it was harmless fun but recently he’s started to pick on sites that try to help people like advice pages and stuff. But I turned around and said these pages try to help people and when you write in with all your rubbish then your actually hurting people because the space that they take up printing your stupid waffle is space they could have for helping people with their problems and giving them advice that might help them save their life or the life of someone else. Because, I said, these people only have a certain amount of limited space on the page of a magazine and if they go over it then some of the advice might get deleted and no one gets that good advice and then they might die. And he was like meh. Shall I call the police? Trollpunter, 18, UEA

Dear Trollpunter, No, don’t call the police.

Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Jerome of NR3 – Probably tomatoes, but plums at a push; Gertrude of Colchester – It’s not plastic surgery if it’s made of fat; Bianca of NR12 – Call it what you like, but I’d call it a taxi; and Guffy of address withheld – It’s almost certainly porridge.

-Mail DrEMann@outlineo for psychic advice- 8 / MAY 2017 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK

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