Short Story


Everyone Lies “Put this on, mate.” Craig threw the crumpled tee-shirt at Gary. “We’ve got to get you looking the part for your big date.”


“It smells like wet dog,” Gary winced. “Why can’t I just wear my normal clothes?”


“Because this, my friend, is the shirt you’re wearing in your dating profile picture.” Craig watched as Gary squeezed into the threadbare shirt. “Aren’t you amazed I’ve kept it all these years?”


“I can’t move my arms,” Gary said. “Remind me why I have to wear this?”


“So the young lady can’t accuse you of using a photo that’s ten years out of date.”


“But it is ten years out of date,” Gary replied. “Surely when she sees me she’ll notice I have less hair and more girth?”


“Yeah, but by then you’ll be on the date,” Craig said, “and it’ll be too late to back out. And besides, everyone lies on these internet dating sites. When are you meeting her?”


“In an hour.” Gary tugged at the tee-shirt. “And what’s she like?”


“She’s single and pretty,” he grinned. “She’s got lovely eyes and long brown hair.”


“Punching well above your weight,” Craig nodded approvingly. “What does she do for a living?”


“She did work in a school, but now she’s started a career in entertainment.”


“Entertainment?” Craig frowned. “What’s that all about?”


“I don’t know, perhaps she’s a singer,” Gary shrugged. “I suppose I’ll soon find out.”


“Does this lucky lady have a name?” Craig asked.


“Brenda.”


“You’re kidding!” Craig snorted. “How old did she say she was?”


26 “Same age as me, mid-thirties.”


“No lasses our age are called Brenda,” Craig sniggered. “I knew it was too good to be true.”


“Why would she lie?” Gary asked.


“Everyone lies, that’s what I keep saying. Let’s have a look at her profile pic.” He opened Gary’s laptop. “I bet it’s in black and white.”


“Give that to me.” Gary wrestled the keyboard back. “Here she is, Brenda Buttons. Gorgeous isn’t she?”


Craig stared at the screen and nearly choked.


“She’s pulled a right fast one on you,” he chuckled. “That’s Kate Middleton.”


“Who?”


“Married to Prince William.” Craig clutched his sides. “Gary, you’re such a berk.”


“Perhaps she just looks like her?” Gary said.


“Mate, not even in your wildest dreams,” Craig laughed. “Wait, Brenda Buttons! You said she used to work in a school. Wasn’t one of our dinner ladies called that?”


“I can’t remember.” “Yeah you can. She was a right battle axe.” “Which one?”


“She hauled us in front of the Head after you sprayed yourself with ketchup pretending you had a nosebleed.”


“Oh yeah,” Gary grinned, “I remember that.”


“That was Brenda Buttons.” Craig folded his arms and smirked. “She’s your hot date.”


“She can’t be,” Gary said. “She’d be about a hundred now.”


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