San Diego Reader February 9, 2017 71
THE ORIGINAL
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news of the WeiRD
LEAD STORY — Humanity has accumulated an estimated 30 trillion tons of “stuff ,” according to research by University of Leicester geologists — enough to fi t over 100 pounds’ worth over every square meter of the planet’s surface. T e scientists, writ- ing in the Anthropocene Review, are even more alarmed that very little of it is ever recycled and that buried layers of technofossils that defi ne our era will clutter and weigh down the planet, hampering future generations. (Don’t just think of “garage sale” stuff , wrote Mother Nature News; think of every single thing we produce.)
Finer Points of the Law — A federal appeals court agreed with a jury in December that Battle Creek, Michigan, po- lice were justifi ed in shooting (and killing) two hardly misbehaving family dogs during a legal search of a house’s basement. Mark and Cheryl Brown had pointed out that their dogs never at- tacked; one, an offi cer admitted, was “just stand- ing there” when shot and killed. T e offi cers said that conducting a thorough search of the prem- ises might have riled the dogs and threatened their safety.
Sounds Like a Joke — Spencer Hanvey, 22, was charged with four burglaries of the same MedCare Pharmacy in Conway, Arkansas, in October and November, using the same modus operandi each time to steal drugs. — Hamden (Connecticut) High School was put into lockdown for an hour on Dec. 15 when a student was seen running in the hallway, zig-
zagging from side to side, swinging an arm and leaping into the air. Police were called, but quick- ly learned that it was just a 12th-grade boy prac- ticing a basketball move and pretending to dunk.
The Aristocrats! — A camera-less Alan Ralph, 62, was arrested in Sarasota, Florida, in December aſt er being seen on surveillance video in October in a Walmart stooping down to the fl oor to peer up the skirt of a woman. — John Kuznezow, 54, was charged with inva- sion of privacy in Madison, Wisconsin, in No- vember aſt er he was discovered, pants down, up a tree outside a woman’s second-fl oor bedroom window.
Bright Ideas — For about ten years, organized crime rings operated a makeshiſt U.S. “embassy” in a run- down pink building in Accra, the capital of Gha- na, issuing offi cial-looking identifi cation papers, including “visas” that theoretically permitted entry into the United States. T e U.S. State De- partment fi nally persuaded Ghanian offi cials to close it down, but it is unknown if any purchas- ers were ever caught trying to immigrate. T e “embassy,” with a U.S. fl ag outside, had well-spo- ken “consular offi cers” who reportedly collected about $6000 per visa.
Weird Old World — Wu Jianping, 25, from China’s Henan prov- ince, complained in November that he had been denied home loans at several banks for not pro- viding fi ngerprints — because he has no arms
(following a childhood accident) and signs doc- uments by holding a pen in his mouth. He was not allowed to substitute toeprints. — Classes were canceled in early December in the village of Batagai in the Yakutia region of Siberia when the temperature reached minus 53 Celsius (minus 63 Fahrenheit) — but only for kids 15 and under; older children still had to get to school. Yakutia is regarded as the coldest in- habited region on the planet.
The Passing Parade — In October, Chicago alderman Howard Brookins Jr. publicly denounced “aggressive” squirrels that were gnawing through trash cans and costing the city an extra $300,000. A month later, Brookins was badly injured in a bicycle col- lision (broken nose, missing teeth) when a squir- rel (in either a mighty coincidence or suicide ter- rorism) jumped into one of his wheels, sending Brookins over the handlebars. — In October, offi cials of Alaska’s Iditarod reaf- fi rmed an earlier decision to allow mushers to use mobile phones during the 2017 race; “pur- ists” maintain that phones destroy the “frontier- ness” of the event. — In November, an arranged custody swap of a child from one grandmother to another in a Walmart parking lot near Dallas ended when both ladies pulled guns and started fi ring. One granny was hit in the neck and the other arrested aſt er she also fi red at an off -duty offi cer trying to calm things down. — A 22-year-old man pedaling a vending cart through downtown Victoria, British Columbia, in November with large-lettered “420 delivery”
by Chuck Shepherd © 2017
on thecarrier wasstopped by police andfound with a stash of marijuana. (Selling recreational cannabis is illegal, even though the man had conscientiously printed underneath the sign, “NO MINORS.”)
Recurring Themes — Zimbabwe’s hyperinfl ation remains the most storied, but Venezuela is catching up. In mid- December, the government declared its largest- currency bill (the 100-bolivar note)worthless, replacing it with larger denomination money (aſter a brief cash-in period that has ended and which some drug dealers were likely shut out of). Te 100-bolivar’s value had shrunk to 2 cents on theblack market. Stacks of it were required to make even the smallest food purchases, and since wallets could no longer hold the notes, rob- bers feasted on the “packages” of money people carried around while shopping. — Add goat horns to the “religious covering” items permitted to be worn in government iden- tifi cation cards. It took Mr. Phelan MoonSong of Millinocket, Maine, two trips to the DMV, but his ID, aſt er his name change, was fi nally approved in December, based on his “Paganism” religion. — In December, a 21-year-old man became the most recent to fall to his death during a roadside “pit stop.” Four passengers alighted from a car on the side of Interstate 15 near Escondido, Cali- fornia; two urinators returned without incident, and a third fell about 40 feet but survived.
Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, San Di- ego Reader, P.O. Box 85803, San Diego, CA 92186 or to
WeirdNewsTips@Yahoo.com
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