12 San Diego Reader February 9, 2017


Walter


Mencken’s


SD ON THE QT


Institute frets over “the fate of scientific progress under the Trump Administration.”


La Jolla vs. La Jolla? Protesters at La Jolla’s Salk Institute for Biological Studies borrow and bend a phrase from another famous La Jolla institution, Dr. Seuss, as they rally against the institute’s use of human-pig chimeras for the purpose of growing human organs. “President Trump’s tweet in support of the March for Life in Washington a couple of weeks ago has really galvanized the movement,” said rally organizer Sally Hamm. “For the first time, we have real hope of amending the Constitution’s ‘three-fifths compro- mise,’” which states that a human-pig chimera does not fall under the protection of the law as long as it is comprised of three-fifths pig. “It’s an arbitrary line created for political purposes,” argues Hamm. “I understand that there is a tremendous need for the organs these pig people can provide, and people think that by focusing on them we’re ignoring the recipients. But the fact remains that, whatever the law says, these are human beings we’re talking about. Well, mostly human. We can’t just sacrifice them to solve a problem, no matter how grave.”


Sunk “Wow…people really ate this way on San Diego’s Embarcadero?”


Anthony’s Fish Grotto becomes actual fish grotto as Port Authority adds former landmark restaurant to the region’s dive-friendly wrecks


Morton’s “Brigantine broadside” proves too much for Ghio flagship


SAFE (FOR THE MOMENT) INSIDE THE CONCRETE WALLS OF THE SALK INSTITUTE, LA JOLLA — “We are not the bad guys here,” says Dr. Jonas Moreau, director of Chimera Research at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies. “We are scientists. We are in the business of conducting research for the sake of understanding and improving life. Imag- ine our surprise, then, when we announce a bio- logical breakthrough that has the potential to relieve vast quantities of human suffering, and instead of being hailed as modern- day miracle-workers, we are demonized and sub- jected to harassment from an unruly, unthinking mob. If this is the future of sci- entific inquiry in America, I may have to consider relocating to someplace more enlightened.” The breakthrough Moreau mentions is the


creation of pig embryos partially made up of human cells, which he says could one day lead to the growth of human organs, suitable for transplant, in the bodies of pigs. The mob he men- tions is a group of so-called “pro-porkers,” and to hear them tell it, the Salk institute should consider renaming itself Frankenstein Labs. “Moreau and his ilk fancy themselves life-savers,” says spokeswoman Sally Hamm, “but what about the lives they are taking? Why is it okay to kill a person just because he’s mostly a pig? I shudder to think about the effects of this so-called breakthrough on the pig- people already among us, to say nothing of other margin- alized groups. And I shud- der even more to think of the unnatural goings-on behind this institute’s walls.” This reporter has advised Ms. Hamm not to read this story, because thanks to an intrepid undercover


Alternative facts Sausage Party Pro-pork protesters rally on the Salk Institute Mall in defense of “pig people”


In this photo taken by an undercover operative deployed jointly by PETA and the National Pro-Pork Task Force, a Salk Institute employee is seen strangling a human-pig chimera immediately prior to organ harvest. The operative reported that “normally, you’d look at a person like this and think, Who would want organs from such an unhealthy, overweight specimen? But as usual, the Salk people are smarter than ‘normally.’ They opined that pig organs, even pig organs genetically blended with human DNA, would prove far more resilient under the stresses brought on by poor diet and exercise, factors that are almost ubiquitous in a country where one-third of the population is medically obese. And so far, all their predictions have come true. These chimeras thrive on a steady diet of junk food and alcoholic beverages, and sometimes go for days without getting up from their recliners. And yet, when they’re sliced open on the operating table, we find happy hearts, lively livers, perky pancreases — you name it. There’s even reason to believe they can smoke cigarettes with no serious health risks, though that research is still pending. It really would be a medical miracle, if it weren’t for all the squealing and grunting and begging not to be slaughtered.”


operative posing as a Yale post-doctorate researcher, SD on the QT has obtained photographic evidence (above) of those “unnatu-


ral goings-on.” It seems that Dr. Moreau’s research has already progressed much further than his announce- ment suggested.


Just four of the many Porcine-Americans who have suffered from the dehumanizing effects of pigism. From upper left: (1) Randall Bacon, whose dreams of becoming an actor forced him to move overseas and work in animation. “No one in Hollywood would use me unless I got a nose job and serious lipo.” And even in the more freewheeling world of Japanese cinema, “all I could get was the part of Chihiro’s father in Spirited Away after he has been transformed. A personification of gluttony; that’s all anyone will let me be.” (2) Aunt Petitoes, forever enshrined as an irresponsible, overbreeding mother in Beatrix Potter’s The Tale of Pigling Bland. “What kind of monster sends her children away in a wheel-barrow just because they’re naughty and hungry? Apparently, the kind who wears a bonnet to cover her pig head. Sort of like happy mammy Aunt Jemima’s headscarf.” (3) American Horror Story’s Piggy Man, a forerunner of the Salk chimeras: pig parts were grafted onto his human body prior to his execution for stealing. “Pret- ty much the definition of cruel and unusual. It’s the piggist bullshit of Lord of the Flies all over again. When they want to make a man into a Beast, the Beast responsible for all their problems, they bring in a pig’s head.” And finally, (4) Necromentia’s Mr. Skinny. “Apparently, it wasn’t enough to shove surgical tools up my nostrils and wrap me


in barbed wire so that I could dance around and make a joke out of the suicidal despair that plagues my every waking moment. No, they had to really hammer home the point by painting me with clown makeup. Laugh at the sad pig-man, chil- dren! I only hope that in Trump’s America, the government will work to protect fat pigs like myself, starting with the most vulnerable among us, there in the Salk Institute. I see places where people are calling the president a ‘fascist pig.’ I don’t know about the ‘fascist’ part, but I’ll say it loud, I’m pig and I’m proud, and Trump should be, too.”


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