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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 'Don't touch that, you don't know where it has been.' Tese were the first lines Bing Crosby wrote for a song he had selected as a possible track for his now legendary 1977 Christmas collaboration with famous Capricorn David Bowie. Tankfully, the bosses went with Bowie’s selection of Te Little Drummer Boy, and the rest is history. Te rest of Bing’s song is gone, which is wrong. Your lucky Lord is little, and Fauntleroy.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Sometimes, when people say things to us that we aren't expecting to hear, we have a moment when we can hardly believe our ears. Tese moments often take the form of compliments, which you, oh stubborn Aquarius, insist on ignoring in case you start believing that someone might actually be into you. Well I’ve got news for you, you beautiful bastard. You’re so fucking awesome this month. I love your shizzle. Your lucky pipe is organ.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Chaos contains magic. In those moments when life is out of control opportunities present themselves - to those that have the stones to grab them. Firmly. And shake their tits off. Oh, indecisive Pisces, don’t just stand their flicking your dick – grab those opportunities! Grab them by the balls and really shake the shit out of those opportunities.

have. Don’t worry about it. Your lucky France is post- revolutionary.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 It isn't true to say that we can do anything if we have enough faith. Sure, you’ve got to have faith, love can build a bridge, hope can set us free, and dreams can come true. But, I reckon, after a few years in this game, that it’s skill - the literal and abiding ability to actually do something - that gets things done. And balls. BALLS! Your lucky fork is garden.

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 If I tell you what I think and you tell me what you think, will either of us be any the wiser? Almost certainly not. None of us will ever truly know another person. Te trick is, oh, self- absorbed Aries, that you have to be willing to pay attention to someone other than yourself. Christmas is a time for giving. A shit. Your lucky tree is elm.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21 Tey say, 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.' Well I’ve got a little knowledge for you, it’s dangerous to be so unemotional and independent. Oh, non- depending, unfeeling Sagittarius, if you don’t feel, you won’t know that you’ve been wounded. And that’s bad. Especially when you are on your own. IIIIIIIIIT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAS!’. Your lucky female is yo’ mama.

LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22 If compromise makes the world go round, does intransigence stop it? If music is the food of love, does silence empty its bowels? If a tree falls in a forest, and it doesn’t make a sound, does that mean you’re not there? Oh, pretentious Leo, anyone can ponder, but it takes a truly inquisitive soul to realise that the most important questions are the most simple. “Who put that there?” for example. FIIIIVE GOOOOLD RIIIINGS!

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22 A famous fable tells us of a race between a Lepus and a Testudine; another tale tells of the voyage of a Strigiformes and a Felis Catus; and yet another speaks of a Porcine triumvirate’s struggle with a Lupine landlord. Oh, fussy Virgo. It’s good to be precise, but being overly so can really suck the poetry out of a situation. Your lucky goose died in Top Gun.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22 Tese days, people don't just sell

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20 Te people who run Facebook say you can't have more than 5,000 friends at any one time. Well fuck those guys, oh materialistic Taurus, just get two profiles! Get five! In the ‘80s we were limited by the cruel physical restraints of Filofaxes and rolodexes, but nowadays you can shoot for the fucking moon! Your lucky turtle is snapping.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20 Are there not times when we all inadvertently pass on misinformation? Do we not all sometimes slip a misjudged little porky into proceedings? Have you never hoisted the wrong end of the stick onto an unwitting peer, leaving them with eggs on their face? Oh, imaginative Gemini: Of course you have. We all

8/ December 2016/

insurance, they sell policies that protect us if our existing policies fail to pay up properly. I’m sure you can see the catastrophic infinite regress that this potentially presents. Oh, Idealistic Libra, if I were you, I’d start an insurance company that insured insurance company buildings against wilful damage by enraged Kafkaesque parodies. Merry Christmas. Your lucky Swan died in Top Gun.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21 Your sixth sense rarely falters but this doesn't mean you are always right about everything. Te problem with ‘the gift’ is that visions, like spectral text messages, are wide open to interpretation. Oh, jealous Scorpio, don’t get wrapped up in worry, feasting on the figgy pudding of panic, or you’ll fill your stockings with coal. And nuts. And maybe a tangerine. Your lucky milk is nut.


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