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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 How easy is it to make mistakes? HOW easy is it to make mistakes? How easy IS it to make mistakes? How easy is it to make MISTAKES? HOW EASY IS IT TO MAKE MISTAKES? HOW? EASY? IS? IT? TO? MAKE? MISTAKES? Tat depends. Oh, responsible Capricorn. Measure twice, cut once.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Te human brain can be easily fooled when you know its weaknesses. However, a fool can be easily weakened if you know its brain. Oh, clever Aquarius. You can fool some of the people all of the time… and these are the idiots you must first enslave, as they will form a fuckwit militia for your imminent war against the people that can only be fooled some of the time, LEAVING YOU TO RULE IN THE LAND OF THE BLIND... DOMINION!

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Chaos contains magic. In those moments when life is out of control opportunities present themselves - to those that have the stones to grab them. Firmly. And shake their tits off. Oh, indecisive Pisces, don’t just stand their flicking your dick – grab those opportunities! Grab them by the balls and really shake the shit out of those opportunities.

dark. Te all-consuming dark that creeps towards you. Never stopping. Never slowing. And when you look into it you see the inevitability of your own fate as you realise that the dark has been inside you looking out all along. Tis month, why not try writing a haiku?

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 What is good for us? What IS good for us? What is GOOD for us? What is good for US? WHAT is good for us? WHAT IS GOOD FOR US? WHAT? IS? GOOD? FOR? US? I’m not sure. Oh, faddy Cancer. Try yoga.

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 Bruce Wayne created the character Batman to induce fear in the criminals of Gotham City. But for every Batman, there must be a Joker to induce laughter in their souls, a Riddler to induce wonderment in their minds, and a Penguin. Oh, courageous Aries, no one likes a hobby bobby. If you try too hard to be the hero, you’ll end up being the Bane of everyone’s life.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20 Te Earth spins as it orbits the Sun at around 67,000mph. I mean it doesn’t spin at 67,000mph, it orbits the sun at 67,000mph. Christ, if it spun that fast shit would be fucking mental. Earthquakes, tidal waves, and anyone on the equator would exceed escape velocity and be hurled into space. Oh, trusting Taurus, don’t believe everything that you read in the Daily Mail.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20 Are those birds chirping louder than usual? Oh, imaginative Gemini, there aren’t really any birds, but you heard them anyway. Good for you. A fertile imagination is one of the best things one can possess. Just don’t start thinking about the

10 / November 2016/

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21 Back in my courting days, I used to venture into a night on the town in my 'lucky shirt'. When I hit the dance floor, collar-up and ready to freak, I made sure the stars aligned for some lucky lady. Of course when you can read auras like I can, luck hardly comes into it, but my point is, oh passionate Scorpio, that if you want to win you have to look the part. Tis month, image is key to confidence, and confidence is key to success...

LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22 You can tell when someone is being 'shifty'. Tey ‘shift’. Teir eyes ‘shift’ from side to side. Tey ‘shift’ their weight from foot to foot… Tey’re basically full of ‘shift’. Oh, stubborn Leo, you don’t ‘shift’ for anyone. Who’s the cat that won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about? ‘Leo’.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22 Out of the corner of her eye, our heroine glimpsed the ninja, black clad and hiding in the shadows. You know how it is. You’re in the pub, minding your own business, when suddenly you see your enemy enter Te Red Dragon. What do you do? Do you vault the pool table and attack like a drunken master, or do you take the path of peace, into the fog of the smoking area? Oh, analytical Virgo, wise Aunty Mann say, “He who strike last, see last orders.”


“If you love somebody, set them free,” sang Sting. He didn’t write it though, Richard Bach did. Who? Exactly! And that’s fucking Sting all over; always nicking shit. I’ve got a mate that’s met someone who’s met Sting, and apparently Sting reckons he invented the lute. Fucking bell-end. Next he’ll be wearing a jester’s hat and curly shoes and saying he invented those, too. Oh, diplomatic Libra. Fucking Sting.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21 A friend of mine says, “As one door closes, an overdraft opens.” Tat’s the kind of cynical bullshit that he would say, though. As Oscar Wilde said, “A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.” Oh, independent, unemotional Sagittarius. One of those guys was a genius, and the other one pawned his “friend’s” crystal balls to pay for hair plugs. Just sayin’.


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