happiness


what is the secret to happy kids? no one really knows but in a new book 'growing up Happy', best friends, neuroscientist dr Jenny Barnett and teacher and mum alexia Barrable (pictured), describe scientifically-proven methods by which children's happiness can be boosted in just a few minutes each day. Here, dr Barnett tells mm what she found out through her research...


Te route to motherhood: swings, bumps and roundabouts


of elation, a surge of creative energy: I felt incredibly powerful, like, if I could do this, I could do anything. And gosh, had it been a rough ride. Te journey to that point had been far


M


from a straight line. For five years my husband and I repeatedly tried, and repeatedly failed, to become parents. All around I saw couples enter the club, membership of which seemed to be forbidden to us. Te desire to become a mum, although not all consuming at first, slowly started taking over my life, my relationship and took its toll on friendships and even my professional life as a teacher. Involuntary childlessness is tough and I felt deeply unhappy: the uncertainty on whether we would actually ever manage to become parents amplified the feeling. I felt motherhood would make me happier, but it was elusive! Yet, when I looked at the research, study


aſter study seemed to support the opposite: that parenthood actually diminishes a couple’s happiness and wellbeing. Contrary to popular belief, parental happiness seemed to drop aſter the arrival of children only to rise again aſter said children leſt home! Te


58MODERNMUM Autumn 2016


y experience of motherhood was not typical in many ways. Te arrival of my two sons, brought a strange kind


literature was fairly unanimous: having kids does not make you happier. I wanted to know more. All around me I


saw mothers who, while struggling to juggle new demands, and equal measures of sleeplessness and exhaustion, also had a warm glow when they spoke of their kids. I saw some mothers who took to the new role like ducks to water, and others who were challenged by the change of priorities. But most of the new mums I saw were a combination of the two: successfully juggling the role change, but at the same time struggling to find the balance between old and new roles. Some of the research that I found seemed


to support what I also noticed around me: older parents (over 35) and parents who had not come to parenthood easily, but had rather had gone through IVF, adoption or surrogacy seemed to be the happiest in their roles as parents. And on some level it made sense too: when you have to work harder for something, you oſten value it more. Motherhood is tough. It can be lonely. It


is exhausting. It is unpredictable and messy. Motherhood is also wondrous! It’s the biggest mixed bag, bringing enormous ups and downs, it makes you question all you knew and it forces you to redefine yourself. Te mere weight of being responsible for a tiny human, wholly dependent on you is


enormous and I remember the overwhelming fear of bringing a child home, without a manual. Most people say that nothing can prepare


you for motherhood, but I think that’s not true. For me the best preparation for it was also the toughest period of my life: infertility, our inability to become parents did more to prepare me for motherhood than any other experience. Learning to navigate the scary emotions that a deep yearning for a child brings, to handle the relationship with my husband through disappointment and pain, to accept how things were and to continue on taught me more about myself and, I believe, ultimately made me a saner mother. Not better mind you, just more able to keep perspective when my toddler wees on the floor and his baby brother crawls through it… No matter how you come to it, though,


parenthood, and motherhood in particular is an extreme life change. An exercise in balancing needs, in finding solutions, in maintaining relationships and ultimately a redefinition of all you are, and it is not an easy call. Letting go of perfection, and instead embracing the messiness is probably the only advice I have to offer: possibly the most imperfect mother of them all, but a rather happy one at that! „


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84