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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 Here is an interpretation from Dr E. Mann that's appropriate for you today: stocks and shares invariably fluctuate. What you need to do is buy when the price is low, and sell when the price has risen. Tus, you will make a profit. Tat’s all there is to it. Another famous Capricorn, David Bowie, sang about the man who sold the world, but he never told us how much he bought it for in the first place, nor how much he sold it for. Te point is, oh ambitious Capricorn, if you’re looking for financial advice, Bowie is a bit vague.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 You look at problems and see solutions. I look at solutions and see problems. Tat’s the problem with you, oh stubborn Aquarius; always looking for the shortcut. Tink outside the box for once, and you might realise that a solution is just a problem you haven’t got round to thinking about it yet because it’s not a problem yet so you don’t have to think up a solution for the problem yet.

moment, you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.” Oh, energetic Geminem, it doesn’t matter what your name is, is what’s inside that mathers – sorry – matters.

LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 Dr E. Mann's interpretation is apt for you this month. Te thing is, Dr E. Mann’s interpretations are apt for you every month - it is your interpretations of my interpretations that are tripping you up. I say “be loyal”, you become domineering. I say “be confident”, you become arrogant. I say “be ambitious”, and you start taking out the competition. Oh, melodramatic Leo, stop being so over the top.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 I'd like to introduce you to your gastrocnemius. It’s one of the main muscles in your calf, and is the one you contract when you want to tap your foot to an upbeat pop music ditty or dip your toe into an inviting, but potentially dangerous puddle. Where would we be without it, oh lazy Pisces, you fishy shit. Dry toed and miserable, with no music in our lives, that’s where.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Imagine yourself playing cards in a Monte Carlo casino. How much did you win? You LOST? Saturn’s rings, oh self-pitying Cancer, you can’t even play a decent hand in your own fantasy, how are you ever going to win at life? Tis month, you need to visualise the win, Cancer. See the full house in your mind’s eye, and go all in.

VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 Koala bears are sleepy creatures. Tey do not drink much water, and get most of their water from leaves, which is how they get their name – koala – meaning “no water” in Aborigine language. Ahh, sweet right? Wrong. Here are some other facts – they fucking stink! Te smell is enough to discourage fleas. Plus, 90% of all Koalas have chlamydia. Oh, analytical Virgo, don’t just see the facts you want to, lest you end up smelly and itchy down under.


ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 My two-year-old son has just learned to say the word 'helicopter' and I'm disappointed. I know we shouldn’t judge our progeny by our own standards, but when I was two I could DO the helicopter. And the worm. Oh yes, Dr E Mann was quite the breakdancer in the old days, but sadly it looks like that particular genetic branch has been snapped off at the trunk. Oh, optimistic Aries, there’s nothing wrong with being proud of our offspring’s achievements, but no acorn grows into an oak overnight.

TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 When the wind blows across the Sahara it picks up sand and carries it thousands of miles. Wouldn’t it be nice if our life journey was this simple? Just sit back, relax, and float through the desert of life. Well, tough titties, oh lazy Taurus, because it just doesn’t work that way. Instead, try making your own journey through the desert. At least that way if you land in a huge pile of shit, you’ve only got yourself to blame.

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 Your aspects this month are ideal for these encouraging words from Dr E. Mann: “You better lose yourself in the music, the

8/ July 2016/

Playing music in public often requires a special licence. So does driving. And owning a firearm. Imports and exports require licenses, too. As do births and marriages. It’s even illegal to die in the UK without the correct piece of paper. It’s political correctness gone mad, I tell you. Mad. Take a stand, oh peaceful Libra. Make sure the only hoop you’re jumping through this month is the hoop of self-actualisation.

SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 Tey say, 'Out of sight is out of mind' and, 'What you can't see can't hurt you.' But “they” have never survived a massive gas explosion, nor suffered a viral disease, nor done a big poo in their pants because some joker at an astrology conference slipped a scentless, tasteless, but still hugely potent laxative into their morning chai latte. Oh, observant Scorpio, keep a watchful eye this month.

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Te great tennis champion Jimmy Connors used to quote golfer Gary Player: “Te harder I practise, the luckier I get.” You see, the point he was trying to make is that the ethereal beings that allocate luck to us are impressed by dedication, so by practicing more, they reward us with positive outcomes. Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius, be less unemotional and independent.


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