CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 'Life,' goes the old Sufi saying, made famous by John Lennon, 'is what happens to us while we are making other plans'. Having said that, he also claimed to be the walrus goo goo ga choob, and spent a week in bed whilst his mental wife shat into a row of upturned hats or something. David Bowie and Elvis would never have done that. Be more like David Bowie and Elvis. Your lucky Beatle is Ringo, obviously.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 We go to bed at night. We get up in the morning. We go to jobs that drain our energy, slowly sapping our will to live. Te highlight of our working day is a cheeky shit or a wank on company time. It’s come to something when the best part of our 9 to 5 takes place in a public toilet. You’re worth more than this, oh clever Aquarius. Stop restricting your masturbation and defecation to the cubicles; fumble with yourself at the vending machine and shit on the boss’s desk. Spiritually speaking, of course. Your lucky vending-machine choice is F6.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Are sunny places happy places? No. Te sunniness of a place is absolutely not correlated to the happiness of a place. In fact, sunniness can often cause unhappiness in a place. Take Ethiopia in the early 80’s, or modern day Magaluf. Both fucking shitholes full of whining sad-sacks. Oh, accepting Pisces, seek out your own sun, even if it’s under a rock. Your lucky rock is Blackpool.
scooter. Look at him – he thinks he’s Phil fucking Daniels. Sadly, he’s now more like Phil Mitchell, and that’s why he ends up on his arse. Oh, adaptable cancer. Don’t end up looking like a twat because you think you’re 17. Your lucky scooter is probably a Vespa or something, or is that a chocolate bar?
ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 We can't live in the past. Some people, however, do try to recreate it. Look at that lady who was in the news recently; the one who lives like it’s 1939. It’s all fun and games wearing a headscarf and eating offal in front of a coal fire, but drop a V2 down her chimney and she’ll be crying into her powdered egg. Oh self-involved Aries, you don’t have to live like a fucking idiot just to wear a retro frock. Bring the best of your past, and sod the rest. Your lucky egg is poached.
LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 'Hello? Hello? Is that the chief's office? Can I speak, please, to the ultimate authority for the whole planet?' Anyone who works for public services of some description will tell you that this is how most phone calls start. With people assuming that when something goes wrong, that there is someone ultimately to blame and take responsibility. Well I’m afraid that’s bullshit. It’s your life, Oh confident Leo, so I suggest you step up to the plate. Your lucky plate is Princess Diana commemorative.
VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 Are you where you are supposed to be? No? Are you sure that you are not confusing ‘supposed’ with ‘want’? Oh, fussy Virgo, we’ve been here before, haven’t we. I understand your frustration at not having your dream job, or spending your nights in a trim-rich utopia, but it’s tough. It’s not the life you want, but it is the one you deserve. Act accordingly. Your lucky accordion is the diatonic.
LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Most of us imagine ourselves to be masters of disguise, when in fact our masks are only
TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 We may have many reasons to want something to happen. Mainly though, we want something to happen because it benefits us. Oh, possessive Taurus, it’s a dog eat dog world out there. You have to look out for number one. It’s the law of the jungle, and if you’re not careful, someone will steal all your bananas. Ting is, this leaves you like a monkey up a tree playing with yourself. Look at the remora fish, who helps others to help itself. Be like them and you can swim with the sharks. Your lucky dog is poodle.
GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 Y'Familiarity,' they say, 'breeds contempt'. Tis month, it’s time to shake things up a little. Tink outside the box, oh adaptable Gemini. If you normally drive, take the bus. Or canoe to work. Te river system of our fine city is an underused method of transport, so get your oars out and row, row, row your boat. I guarantee this will change your perspective. Clever buoys. Your lucky box is squeeze.
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 When we don't do things in quite the way we used to, is this because we have grown forgetful? Probably not: things change. Usually these changes are gradual and we only notice when we look back. It’s like that YouTube video of that middle aged guy on a
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fooling ourselves and particularly stupid children. Remember, oh superficial Libra, sticking some feathers up your bum and disrupting a picnic doesn’t make you a pigeon. Make a bit more effort. Your lucky Pigeon Street character is Long-Distance Clara (bum bum bubby dubby dubby bum bum).
SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 Why do they say, 'Wake up and smell the coffee?' I mean, what’s that going to achieve? Surely you have to drink the coffee for it to have any effect. Or maybe the saying is urging us to be aware of what’s going on around us, in a “hey, someone’s in your kitchen making coffee while you’re asleep. What the fuck is that about?” sort of way. Mmm. Coffee. Your lucky coffee is coffee coffee. Mmmm. Coffee.
SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 We all appreciate a pill that instantly dulls an ache or a cream that quickly soothes a pain. But if we are to truly treat our maladies, we must tackle the root cause of our pain, not just the symptoms. Oh, unemotional, independent Sagittarius; you’re egg-bound – spiritually speaking, of course - and the only way to shift your psychic blockage is to spread your astral cheeks, relax your spiritual sphincter, and squirt out a big steamy pile of vulnerability at those you love. Your lucky paddleboat is the famous Cleveland Steamer.
BY DR E. MANN
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