ADVICE YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED
A hipster skilled in the art of boyfriending might deliver himself from your predicament with the fol-
lowing dialogue: “Hey, Boo. You’re way
too cool for a main- stream holiday like Valentine’s Day. Plus, it’s amateur night at all the good restau- rants, and we both deserve better. I made
HIPSTER@SDREADER.COM
a reservation at this new Imperial Vienna–themed restaurant I just found on Instagram. I’ve followed
Dear Hipster: I am three months into dating the same woman, and it is going very well...except for Valentine’s Day, which didn’t go over very well at all. I could be wrong about this, but last I checked, February 14th was a fake holiday cooked up by candy companies and Victoria’s Secret. It celebrates consumerism more than love and affection, and I’ve never been into it at all. I mean, it abbreviates to VD! What more ridiculousness could you want? I just kind of let the holiday pass by this year, but the lady I’m dating is super bummed because I didn’t get her flowers and take her to a nice dinner. I want to be, like, “this holiday is bogus,” but I also want to make nice with her. Am I legit in my rejec- tion of this made-for-TV holiday? Or does my desire to stand on prin- ciple threaten a budding rela-
tionship? — APPARENTLY ROMANCELESS, ALPINE
Of course Val- entine’s Day is a mainstream s chlo ckfest. Who doesn’t know that? Perhaps you didn’t notice how I steadfastly refused to print anything Val- entine-related that week? I don’t care how many feckless would-be Romeos write, “Dear Hipster, how will I best win her love?” (hint: more than you think, though not many more), it’s not in my nature to pinch-hit for Hallmark. But know this, as hipster as it is to
reject a mainstream holiday — for which I applaud you — there are 51 other weekends every single year, during which you might make a reservation at a nice restaurant.
their bartender ever since he turned me on to grapefruit bitters, and he mixes up an anti-
Valentine’s cocktail, which is basically just Black Velvet, neat, drunk ironically. I got us a table for two on Leap Day, because what’s more romantic than once every four years?”
Dear Hipster: I have a shoo-in for the Hipster Hall of Fame. It’s Barbara Mandrell. Who’s that? Why, the singer of “I Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool,” the most hipster country song of all time!
— DARYL, TALMADGE
Are you trying to get me in trouble? If my hipster friends find out I didn’t actually need you to tell me who that was, I would have some explain- ing to do. But I’m with Chuck Klosterman in that, “The most wretched peo- ple in the world are those that tell you they like every kind
of music ‘except country.’” I’ll wager the last time you heard that flaccid nugget of pseudo-intellectualism it dropped from the mouth of a 19-year-old collegiate hipster- in-training who thought he was the coolest kid around because he just “discovered” the Mars Volta. I, on the other hand, proudly listen to my Buck Owens Pandora station, and I own Guitars, Cadillacs, Etc., Etc. on vinyl. I don’t think Barbara Mandrell gets a spot in the Hall of Fame, but an honorable mention may be in order.
— DJ STEVENS
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San Diego Reader February 25, 2016 9
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