when I occasionally pushed back against rules. As the youngest child of a minister, I experienced from birth the literal and figurative embrace of church families who cared about me.


Under the circumstances, I guess it’s not surprising that I entered young adulthood with an expectation that life would go as I planned. I knew that I would find a meaningful career, marry someone who would grow old with me, have birth children and adopted children who would be spared difficulties because they were loved, and live a healthy life into old age.


Here’s the spoiler alert: My mother has not described my life as charmed for many, many years. When I told my sister that Lindsay Harren-Lewis had asked me to share my story in the context of doubt, we wondered which life event Lindsay wanted me to share. We then began to list the possibilities. As the list grew longer and longer, we found ourselves laughing at the absurdity of my no- longer-charmed life.


While many of the plans I made became reality, they did not come as easily as I had anticipated. The meaningful career took 15 years to discover. I have a husband who I intend to spend the rest of my years with, but I found him only after a very long and painful end to my first marriage. I have children, stepchildren, and grandchildren that I love with all my heart. The road to parenthood, however, was paved with miscarriages and failed adoptions. And the parental love that I thought would protect my children did not help them—or me— escape the outward expressions of inner trauma caused by the loss of a birth mother, genetic predispositions, and the pain of growing up in a primarily Caucasian community and church that, even under the best of circumstances and with the best of intentions, saw my children of color through the lens of generations of preconceived notions.


And the long, healthy life that I planned—that hasn’t been a smooth road, either. I had a lung collapse and was diagnosed with breast cancer, both in the year I turned 40. The breast cancer is gone, but the cause of my lung collapse and the continuing progression of my lung disease have yet to be diagnosed or


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treated. So this older version of the young adult who wanted to plan her life is left without a plan.


As I think of all of this in the context of doubt, I am aware that for most of my adult life I have focused on seeing God in the people who have been with me through the difficult times. I’m also aware, however, that my unwillingness to be angry and truly question God was only partially about my strong faith. It was also about my subconscious fear that God would not tolerate my anger and doubts. After all, if this is what happens when I’m faithful, what could happen if I’m not? I found myself protecting myself by trying desperately to maintain my Sunday- best appearance and demeanor not only with those around me but also with God—until I couldn’t anymore. Until I found myself yelling, “Enough! I can’t take it anymore! I get it—I’m not in control. What do you want from me?”


What I found is that what God wants not from me but for me is an authentic relationship—one in which the doubts are not only tolerated but lead to a deeper relationship. I’ve found a God who loves all of me— the strong, the weak, the soft and kind, the hurt and angry. I know that, in part, because of the authentic relationships I have found within this family of faith—people who have generously shared their vulnerability as they’ve shared their stories. Who have listened compassionately to my story, had faith when I had none, and loved me through it all. In whose presence I have witnessed and experienced God’s love in a way I never would in my charmed and unquestioning life.


MAUREEN FLEISCHMANN


I have been transformed by this church. I am not the same person I was when I became a member here over 12 years ago. I am very grateful for that. And although I feel anchored by our building, sanctuary, and classrooms, when I say I have been changed by this church, I mean through Jesus and the people of FPCA. I have been transformed through worship, study, small groups, prayer, teaching, and service out in the world, alongside of many of you. There are so many


members and staff who have been exemplary models of Christ’s hands and feet in this world, including our youth, whom I have had the pleasure of serving with in Allentown as well as on Summer Work Camp weeks in Buffalo and Charlotte.


I was also transformed on the 2014 Honduras well-drilling mission trip, where I was able to experience traveling to another country to serve in the name of Jesus. Imagine having no clean water. My interest in helping with this need was very high. However, I was hesitant to volunteer. I had many excuses: I am not fluent in Spanish. I still had two school-age children to take care of. What about work? I’ll need vaccinations. Ooh, Honduras—isn’t that a dangerous country? I’m sure others will go; they don’t need me.


One of the biggest deterrents was that there were many unknowns. I had never done anything like this before, and I wasn’t sure I could do what was needed. Still clinging to my excuses on the morning after the first informational meeting about the trip, I opened my Bible to my next daily reading, Isaiah 41:17: “When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, The Lord, will answer them.” I was in.


I’ve learned that the willingness to follow God’s plan is more important than knowing exactly how to do it or having all the right things lined up to complete it. I’ve learned to rely on God, and when I do, God will provide.


Indeed, I was one of 10 people from this congregation who boarded the planes to travel to beautiful Honduras, but the whole congregation enabled and supported the entire trip, from the first stages of planning and the monetary donation for the cost of the well to prayers covering us during the trip. This congregation donated over 700 new toothbrushes, and an entire suitcase full of crayons and other art supplies for children of the village. It was a group effort, everyone pitching in. None of us could have done this on our own. Through all of you, God provided.


This theme of community continued when we arrived in Honduras and were met by the caring and faithful


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