Out on DVD this month PIXELS
Fuck this fucking stupid film. Fuck every dumb, lazy, intelligence-insulting, nonsensical minute of
it. It’s rare that a film actually annoys me but, after two hours of what amounted to having Adam Sandler piss in my face, the only idea more appealing to me than kicking him down a steep hill is the idea of kicking him back up.
Te plot was surely conceived by arseholes occasionally looking up from their phones and saying, “sure, why not?” Get this: In the 80’s, four kids – a geek, a dwarf, a fatty, and a proto- conspiracy nut – are really good at video games, and attend the World Video Games Championship, footage of which is sent into space (?). Tirty years later, aliens (?) intercept the footage (?) and take it as a declaration of war (?), and
attack Earth in the guise of video game baddies (?). Te original kids, one of whom is now the President (?), are uniquely qualified to fight off the invasion (?), even though the scenarios bear no relation to the original video games (in the Pac-Man battle, they’re the ghosts, in cars, for fuck’s sake). I could go on.
Coupled with Sandler not so much phoning it in as shitting into an envelope and posting it in, and Peter Dinklage’s constant impression of a dwarven Fonzy, we’re left with a film that could only possibly appeal to children, but whose entire raison d'être is only relevant to adults.
Seriously, fuck this film. It fails on every level. Geddit?
Jay Freeman
December FILM RELEASES 04 December KrampusEver heard of Krampus, the Christmas demon that terrorizes naughty children and non-believers? No? Me neither, but I have heard of Allison Tolman, Adam Scott and Toni Collette, and as such my baubles are jingling all the way to the box office to see this festive horror comedy.
11 December GrandmaLily Tomlin and Julia Garner star in this comedy about a teen who turns to the only woman she can think of to help – her estranged, misanthropic grandmother – when she finds out that she’s pregnant. Te two then spend the day trying to get hold of the cash she needs to sort her situation. Smart, funny, and wonderfully understated.
21 December Te Peanuts Movie Snoopy’s back! And he’s all 3D ‘n that. If you remember the Charles M. Schulz classics, then you won’t be disappointed, and if your kids don’t know their Charlie from their Brown, then I can’t think of a better film to take them to see this Christmas. Well, OK, maybe one, but if your little people aren’t into lightsabers, then go see this.
26 December In the Heart of the SeaSeriously. Let’s not fuck about. If you haven’t seen any of Shane Meadows’ phenomenal Tis is England, then do something about that; you won’t be sorry. It’s equal parts hilarious and heart-breaking yet, somehow, entirely human and utterly beautiful. Te kind of TV people will be talking about in decades to come. Smiley
December DVD RELEASES 07 December Tis is England ’86 - ‘90Seriously. Let’s not fuck about. If you haven’t seen any of Shane Meadows’ phenomenal Tis is England, then do something about that; you won’t be sorry. It’s equal parts hilarious and heart-breaking yet, somehow, entirely human and utterly beautiful. Te kind of TV people will be talking about in decades to come.
14 December Trainwreck“Are women funny?” is a question that absolutely no one is asking. Not since the late 60’s, anyway. However, if you’ve just been thawed after a 50 year cryogenic slumber, this brilliant Amy Schumer not-really-rom-com should bring you up to speed.
21 December Te Bridge: Season 3Tird season of the hugely successful imported Scandi-drama. Küp Tåts stars as reformed paedophile Töergonenön Plöüpfast in a race against time to track down Pöxan Mültibünch’s killer, all under the watchful gaze of ace pathologist Skümbit Arseflümp Cöcklepüps. And it’s on a bridge.
28 December Hitman: Agent 47Imagine a car advert where the guy driving the car is also a murderer. Or a phone advert where the guy on the phone is also a murderer. Or an aftershave advert where a murderer talks to a car on a phone in a car. Total guff. Jay Freeman
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