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AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 I must apologise. Last month I advised you clever Aquarians to “be the change you wish to see in others.” Several of you wrote to me to point out that this advice “doesn’t make any sense,” “is just the first thing that comes into your head,” or “is probably just a song lyric or some shit.” Well, I’m sorry. Sorry for you, that is. Ha! Sweet burn! Seriously, though, enough with the posting and the emailing. Your lucky member of Wham! Is Andrew Ridgely


PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Some religions are monotheistic, others are polytheistic. Some Gods have six arms, some three faces, and some exist ethereally all around us at all times. Some are little statues with massive bonk-ons. It’s so difficult to know what to believe, or with which of all the beliefs that exist in the world to align your faith. Oh, adaptable Pisces, have faith in yourself and you won’t go far wrong. Believe in better. Every little helps. Go compare. Simples. Your lucky sock is wind


best you can hope for… is to die in your sleep. Your lucky hexadecimal number is 3F7A


LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 “Money can't buy you love, but it can get you a better class of enemy.” Spike Milligan said that, and he should know. I was backstage at the Comedy Awards in 1994 when he called Prince Charles a “grovelling bastard”. I laughed so hard I forgot that the previous year Julian Clary had mistaken me for Norman Lamont. Oh, ambitious Leo, remember: all men are cremated equal. Your lucky binary number is 1011001


ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Our entire education system rests upon a single, central, premise: ‘Tose that can, do, and those that can’t, teach.’ You know who taught me that? My sixth-form Sociology teacher. And I’ve really taken that to heart. It was a valuable lesson. Oh, the irony. Te point is, oh independent Aries, people who say “those that can, do, and those that can’t, teach,” can’t learn. <drops mic>. Your lucky bee is the bumble.


SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 'Oranges,' as the author, Jeanette Winterson famously observed, 'are not the only fruit.' I like that in a book: An immediate lesson before I’ve even cracked its spine. And she’s right, you know; they’re not. I’ll tell you what else: Te sun also rises. My point is, oh observant Scorpio, that you should judge more books by their covers. point is, oh observant Scorpio, that you should judge more books by their covers. Your lucky stars are pulsars


TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 Why are some footballers paid more than teachers? Well, as old Auntie Mann always says: “Tose that can’t, teach; and those that can play football earn hundreds of thousands of pounds every week because their physique is freakishly suited to playing a game that has evolved into a hegemonic device used to distract the masses whilst their leaders steal from them.” She would say that, though; Rooney’s never apologised for dirtying her curtains. Your lucky sea is the Caspian.


GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 What makes you the same as me and me the same as you? Is it the things we say, or the things we do? Oh, superficial Gemini, I’m going to tell you true: Look beneath the surface, there’s beauty in the new, and the ones worth holding onto are far between and few… Strangers in the night… shoo-be-do-be-doo. Your lucky eye is the one off of Horus


CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 When we wish to recommend caution, we may say 'don't push your luck.' However, this lazy epithet supposes that we’re only where we are through random chance and good fortune. Others will say “fortune favours the brave,” whilst spunking their child benefit on scratchies. Oh adaptable Cancer, everyone has the same luck, so you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Te


8/ November 2015/outlineonline.co.uk


VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 Some people are scared of their own shadows. I’m not referring to the space on the wall that is shaded by one’s physical presence; I’m referring to the dark version of the self that exists in all our subconsciousnessessnesses. Oh, analytical Virgo, don’t define yourself by absence, or by what you “are not”. Be what you are. Remember – live fast, die Yung. Your lucky normal number is 23


LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Remember the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland? I tell you who does: Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane. She didn’t just remember him, she wrote a song about him. It concerned pills, some mushrooms are mentioned, and then it’s just stuff about


rabbits and men on a chessboard. Feed your head, oh idealistic Libra, but remember what the dormouse said. What? Tat is what he said? OK. Fuck on! Your lucky quiche is Lorraine


SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Stage illusionists have a long tradition of enmity with mediums, clairvoyants and astrologers. Sorry, not stage illusionists – Sagittarians. Sagittarians have a long tradition of enmity with mediums, clairvoyants and astrologers. Tat’s because you are all unemotional and independent. We know you are, and you don’t like that we know you are. But we do. If you were more emotional and less independent it wouldn’t bother you so much. But it does. So stop. Your lucky Secretary General of the UN is Kofi Annan


CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 If, as they say, 'the darkest hour is just before the dawn,' we should all be very careful before concluding that our lives may have been cast forever into the pitch dark of a hopeless situation. Tere was another famous Capricorn who was very careful before concluding that his life may have been cast forever into the pitch dark of a hopeless situation, wasn’t there. Tat’s right. Jesus or something. Your lucky camel is dromedary


BY DR E. MANN


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