It's Time for You to Go All In By Krista Haapala
ikely everyday you live your life browsing the news or Face- book you run across an article in mainstream media about “how to keep your marriage/relationship alive/strong/happy.” It is clearly a question with a lot of emotional gravity and media trac- tion or the bombardment would cease.
L Occasionally these articles will hit the mark with useful advice
like learn new, exciting things together, or commit to focused time for the relationship. There are wonderful and diverse awesome things you can do to maximize the fulfi llment you feel in your rela- tionship. And you can do them, every single one. I encourage you to spend as much time and energy on your relationship as you can muster.
There is one component missing from these relationship how-
to’s that fundamentally determines whether or not all of the ‘do- ing’ in the name of a healthy relationship actually gets you to your vision.
Ask yourself the question:
“Am I all in?” And encourage your partner do the same. If you are not committed with two feet fi rmly planted, come
hell or high water wanting the best for you and your partner, the fulfi llment you enjoy from your relationship will be incomplete. Your relationship is no different from any other life endeavor in that respect. You get out what you put in.
That means that if you are on date night, but wishing you were at girls’ night, it is important for you to examine what is holding you back from being all in in your relationship. There are so many differ- ent reasons for withholding your complete and total self: insecurity, doubt, lack of trust, sometimes busyness, resentment, or perceived lack of reciprocity.
16 Essential Living Maine ~ July/August 2015
The most effi cient strategy to be fully open to receiving that connection is to fi rst be giving that connection as generously and honestly as you can. The more you hold back for risk of feeling vul- nerable, the more you activate that instinct in your partner.
Of course, in relationships each partner must be all in for the relationship to meet its potential. Without being all in, the circular pattern of withdrawing for self-protection leads to the other doing the same, which creates distance and disconnection. The risk to be vulnerable with your partner is still just that, a risk. But the reward for sharing face value communication and constant generous energy is the possibility that your partner will respond in kind.
Waiting for your partner to take that risk fi rst is a strategy, but the liabilities are great. We only control our own behavior and the longer we remain disconnected the more challenging it is to regain the connection.
The challenge with risk is always that the response you receive
from your partner may not be the response you were hoping to receive. It is important to acknowledge that engaging the feedback loop feeds you information in the form of your partner’s responses that can guide how you wish to tweak your own behavior. Recog- nize that relational habit pattern changes often take longer than you’d expect, so fi rst be patient and voice your needs. If after a stretch of communication and intentional focus on connection goes unreceived, the guidance of an objective helping professional can
The radical truth is that the only way you will experience your partner being all in is if you are all in. You must risk being truly there in the moment ready to openly receive all the love, trust and energy they have to offer and receive it at face value. Face value communi- cation has a foundation in deep trust and requires that you hold the vision you are each other’s strongest advocate.
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