discuss, she’d make a “talking date” with him, offering choices by saying, “I’d love to chat with you. Would Tuesday before dinner or Thursday after breakfast work for you?” Before the date, she’d select a comfortable room and clear her mind by meditating, napping or mindfully sipping herbal tea. The conversations would cover anything from how to work with their health professionals to plans for his end-of-life ceremony. They agreed on strategies and worked together as a team.


Conscious Caregiving Nurture Yourself While Helping Another


by Deborah Shouse “


giver Action Network, in Washington, D.C., and a former family caregiver. “For the sake of your loved one, take care of yourself.” The AARP estimates that some 34 million family caregivers provide for someone that is ill or disabled in the U.S. According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, in Bethesda, Maryland, caregivers generally struggle with finding time for themselves, managing emo- tional and physical stress and balancing work and family responsibilities. Experts suggest that the following


I


seven steps can help people enjoy a healthier, less stressful and more conscious approach to care giving— and receiving.


Reframe Care When Lori La Bey’s mom was diagnosed with dementia, the daughter initially felt she was the only family member that could help her. However, gradually, the


16 NA Twin Cities Edition


f you’re depressed, tired or sick, your caregiving is likely to suffer,” counsels John Schall, CEO of Care-


Minneapolis-based international caregiv- er advocate and founder of Alzheimers- Speaks.com learned to welcome help from others. “Being perfect gets in the way of true connections,” she observes. Although La Bey began her caregiv-


ing out of love, the volume of related tasks soon sparked stress. That’s when she taught herself to slow down and reframe her out- look: Before going into her mom’s room, folding her laundry, scheduling healthcare practitioners and delivering dinner, La Bey paused to consciously ask: “Is Mom safe, happy and pain-free?” Centering on those three questions reminded her that she was doing this work out of love. Psychotherapist Diana Denholm,


Ph.D., of West Palm Beach, Florida, heightened her own consciousness by learning to see caregiving as a collab- orative effort. Denholm, author of The Caregiving Wife’s Handbook: Caring for Your Seriously Ill Husband, Caring for Yourself (CaregivingWife.com), sought to keep her husband as engaged and active as possible.


When she had difficult issues to natwincities.com


Redefine Assistance “I’ll carry your luggage for you, Dad, since you’re not feeling well”… La Bey still remembers her father’s downturned mouth as she tugged the suitcase out of his hands. “I was trying to be helpful, but instead I took away his dignity and pow- er,” she later realized. “If I had packed his bag lighter, he could have carried it like always.” When are we helping and when are we doing too much? “Put yourself in the sick person’s


shoes. Avoid doing something the person can do for himself,” agrees Denholm. Controlling behavior changes the dynam- ics of the relationship and can put the caregiver in a parental role. She recom- mends a holistic brainstorming exercise in which the caregiver writes answers to such questions as: What am I frustrated about? What really annoys me? Why am I angry with myself? The results offer a window to under-


standing our own feelings. “Feeling anger could mean we’re acting co-dependently and taking on too many responsibilities,” Denholm says. “The caregiver’s job isn’t to save the patient, but merely to support him or her in necessary ways.”


Ask for Help “I don’t want to be a burden,” and “We’re afraid of losing our privacy,” and “I’m the only one who can take care of him; no one else can do it right,” are common concerns. “These self-limiting beliefs pre- vent people from reaching out for help,” says family caregiver and life coach Yosaif August, founder of Yes To Life Coaching (YesToLifeCoaching.com), in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and author of Coaching for Caregivers: How to Reach Out Before You Burn Out. August quotes a recent Johns Hop- kins study that reported caregivers might


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