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01 MarchStokerTriller directed by Chan-wook Park (Oldboy) and starring a brilliantly cast Nicole Kidman and Mia Wasikowska about agirl who becomes infatuated with her uncle after her father dies. Hopefully Park’s move to Hollywood films won’t mean a Hollywood ending.

15 MarchTe PaperboyA thriller set in Louisiana about a reporter (Matthew McConaughey – obviously) who investigates the conviction of a man (John Cusack) for the murder of the town’s corrupt sheriff. Tis may sound formulaic, but director Lee Daniels (Precious) handles it with style and makes it one to see.

22 MarchIdentity TiefComedy starring Jason Bateman as a man who pursues an identity fraudster as they leave a wake of used credit along the road. What he doesn’t expect is for the thief to be Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids. McCarthy is great, Bateman plays it straight, hence funny things happen.

27 March TranceDanny Boyle directs this tense movie starring James McAvoy and Vincent Cassel, as reality blurs when a hypnotherapist tries to coerce a criminal into revealing where he has hidden the loot from his fellow crooks. Could be worse – Paul McKenna made my mate wet himself on stage once! Smiley


You, dear reader, unfettered by the shackles of a writer’s deadline, will be idly

pawing over this column on a crisp and optimistic March evening, last month’s Oscars blub-off nought but a nebulous memory. However, I’m writing this on a grey and pissy February night, 24 hours before the aforementioned glittery gang-bang, and, unless my film-critic faculties have failed me, tomorrow night Argo will take the 2013 Oscar for Best Picture. (If it didn’t, simply substitute Oscar for Golden Globe or BAFTA or Critic’s Choice Award. It already got those. Tanks Ed.) And of course it did (Jesus, I hope it did.) Ben Affleck’s true story of an audacious 1980 CIA plan to rescue American diplomats from a gone-bonkers Iran by means of a fake Sci-Fi film couldn’t be


04 MarchProfessor Brian Cox’s Wonders of LifeWho doesn’t like Cox? Personally, I love watching Cox on TV and, what’s more, the great David Attenborough himself has specifically stated that, when he retires, he’d like to see Cox fill his slot. Tis series shows why.

04 February Te Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn – Part 2“Mummy, why am I bleeding?” “Because you are ripe, and must choose a mate.” “Jolly good, I choose the guy who isn’t repelled by blood, and now I am all grown up.” Te End. Stupid bullshit for people too lazy to read stupid bullshit books. Grow up.

18 MarchZero Dark TirtyEasily the best true-story I’ve seen all year about the meticulously calculated and possibly illegal execution of a person.

25 MarchSightseersA perfect example of the kind of low-budget, oil-black horror comedy that we Brits do so well. Caravanning, Keswick, Kendal Mint Cake and killings, it’s ‘Withnail and I’ orienteering with the moral compass of Dexter. Much fun. Jay Freeman

more pro-tinseltown if its soundtrack were a repeating loop of “Hooray for Hollywood.” Having said that, though, it’s a thoroughly deserving winner (Jesus, I hope it won.) It’s intelligently crafted, brilliantly acted, flawlessly authentic and consistently gripping. Most impressively, though, it manages to evoke the epic quality pervading the same great 70’s disaster/drama movies it stylistically references, such as Te Poseidon Adventure and All the President’s Men. So what if the last 20 minutes are a bit eggy for a true-story and the depiction of Iranians is facile and two- dimensional? I’m pretty sure you’ll be bum-humping your seat-edge too much to care. I was, and I fucking LOVE Iranians. And eggs. So, go rent this movie, even if it DIDN’T win Best Film. Jay Freeman

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