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LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Subtlety should be used only for two things; procuring drugs via text message and informing your boss that the nutty aroma permeating their desk area is the man-turd you left in his top drawer as a thanks for keeping you in on Saturday. It’s not a suitable medium for letting your partner know what new ‘toys’ are on your birthday list. Screw the tact and buy the whips and chains your heart desires. Lucky Day: March 27th


PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 You consider a change of career this month as the Papal vacancy is advertised in the local Evening News. Having run out of potential candidates that haven’t taken young constituents confessions while they were sitting on their laps, or at the least, haven’t imagined bum-raping the cast of Father Ted, you’re suddenly looking like a viable candidate. Lucky Day: March 3rd


ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 As the Daffodil heralds spring and St David’s Day, it seems only right to model your latest get-fit regime on the Welsh rugby team. Fear not, not an ounce of


exercise needs to be done; grow out your body hair to cover existing flab, pump your body full of


banned enhancement


drugs and go on a ‘roid-rage through Waterloo Park.Lucky Day: March 30th


TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Tis month, you get in to a spot of hell when the authorities section you for doing ‘a bit of an Anne Hathaway’. Magdalen St doesn’t have quite the romance of a poverty-stricken France, but you don’t realise this when you cut off all your hair, steal an iced bun from Bakers Oven and hold it aloft, crying and singing in the middle of Anglia Square. Lucky Day: March 23rd


GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 It seemed to work for Daniel Day-Lewis, and it seems to work for you too. Your whole life, you’ve been seeming to method prepare yourself for the role of a socially retarded shit-streak of a human being. You’ve got about as many friends as MySpace Tom has left though, so you should consider a change of tack – call your agent, yeah? Lucky Day: March 19th


CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Friends and enemies mix circles this month as you overhear people in the pub calling you a sour puss. Unsure whether that’s a reference to your unwillingness to dip your tits in cold custard for the sake of Comic Relief, or an allusion that maybe your lady-spam tastes as funky as KC and the Sunshine Band, you retreat home to your TiVo box and a bottle of Femfresh. Lucky Day: March 39th


10 /March 2013/ outlineonline.co.uk


VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 You’ve always pinched the pennies wherever your tight arse could, but this month when your premium Tai personnel package delivers some sort of flat-pack man- sack, you realise you should have increased the funds. Your Asian bride turns out to be a genteel young man called Mongkut, you cut your losses and ask him to join your five-a-side team.Lucky Day: March 22nd


LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 You’ve made a name for yourself by leaking private videos of global superstars on the internet, but controversy flies this month as it turns out Adele not only won the Oscar for Best Original Song, but she was mistakenly awarded for best use of CGI when a home video of the songstress in the bath made its way onto the internet and was mistaken for an escaped manatee in Life of Pi. Lucky day: March 15th


SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Achieve your potential this month, by taking the initiative and enrolling on a First Aid course. Beware of getting removed from the course, however, when you start enthusiastically practicing mouth to mouth on the invigilator and misinterpret the phrase “having a stroke.” Lucky Day: March 31st


SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 You’ve been accepted in to the prestigious Mensa dynasty by tenuously filling in the submission form with quotes from Rainman. Now you must use your esteemed intelligence to answer that most philosophical of questions… What’s she going to look like with a chimney on her?Lucky Day: March 28th


CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 You’ll enjoy the luck of the Irish this month as St Paddy’s Day rolls around. However, the Irish luck that you’ll be inheriting is that of the deceased IRA Loughall Martyrs, as everything you touch turns to shit. Your job, relationship and finances all implode in a giant clusterfuck of bad karma. Lucky Day: March 17th


AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 If Sigmund Freud swapped places with your lodger for a few weeks this month, he’d pitch up an observatory unit, thrust out his notebook and call it his birthday. Your thumb sucking is the tip of the iceberg as your sofa-humping, Transformer pyjamas and alphebetised ‘Mummy and Baby’ books are called into question. Lucky day: March 18th


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