VINTAGE GONE MODERN By Steve Hofarth
I’ve had this idea for years. North Americans are getting lazier, fatter and more vain than ever before.
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veryone dreams of the possibilities the New Year will bring. I’ve decided 2013 will be my breakout season. After a few years racing vintage bikes, then moving on to the Harley XR1200 series in 2011 and Amateur Superbike in 2012 on my BMW S1000RR, 2013 will be my year — contingent, of course, on this Christmas wish list being fulfilled. 10. Titanium collar bones
The C-bones don’t seem to do a whole lot, but they sure are an- noying when they go bust. Much like engine case covers, titanium would be a real nice preventive measure to avoid six weeks of downtime midseason. Let’s face it; if you knew the connecting rods were the weak link in the engine, you would replace them in the offseason with something stronger, right? Same idea here. 9. Tire-growing tree Anyone can have a money-growing tree out back, but then you
still have the hassle of converting the cash to tires, losing the cash or someone stealing it. The tire-growing tree will cut that silliness out and create an ongoing supply of fresh, sticky tires. Old tires will get turned into mulch and placed around the base of the tree. Recycling at its best! 8. Trackside chef
As a one-man racing team, the food situation often gets neg- lected. There simply isn’t enough time to make sure the bike is ready to go and to get everything else organized. It’s getting more and more difficult to innocently stumble past my pit neighbours’ barbecues at just the right time. 7. 1990 Kawasaki ZX-7 (ex-Doug Chandler/Rob Muzzy) Back to my vintage roots. The first version of the ZX-7 (H1/H2) struggled around the world, except the AMA Superbike that domi- nated in the US. Problem is, no one knows how to set up this old bike, so locating an original Muzzy 1990 Superbike is key. It’s only a matter of time before WSBK realizes they should start running a class for the bikes that started the series 25 years ago, cashing in on the nostalgia trend that’s become so popular. My mullet and I will be ready for that call.
6. Garage monkeys to fix my bikes All day, every day, they will be in the garage working on the bikes, reducing my stress between race weekends. They should be real strong too so they can bend stuff back into shape when my bike cartwheels through the infield. So I guess I could use a banana tree in the backyard to go with the tire tree. 5. A training bike
One of the toughest parts about road racing is that it’s hard to practice between race weekends. For me, most tracks are two-plus hours away, so a trail bike or really anything with two wheels and a clutch that I could ride locally would help fill the void. The kids at Walmart are starting to complain about me riding the coin-oper-
8 HOLIDAY BUYERS’ GUIDE 2012
ated bike and I’m running out of loonies. 4. ‘B’ ‘C’ and ‘D’ bikes
If a backup bike or ‘B’ bike is a good idea, then a ‘C’ and ‘D’ bike will be even better, right? Plus, let’s face it, bringing those garage monkeys to fix bikes at the track is going to raise too many ques- tions and allegedly they have a dirty habit of throwing their fecal matter around… wait, is the competition within range? 3. A home-based liposuction machine I’ve had this idea for years. North Americans are getting lazier, fatter and more vain than ever before. I have the perfect solution: have an operation to embed an internal fat-sucking mechanism (think of it as a USB like port in your side). Three times a week in the comfort of your own home you sit in your La-Z-Boy chair pounding down ice cream while having the lipo machine hooked up. Less weight equals more horsepower, and this is a lot easier than working out and eating healthier. 2. Groupies Yeah, there was a time when everyone wanted groupies, but looking at it objectively it seems like they might be a lot of work. Plus, they always end up bringing rock stars down. Maybe just some Twitter followers — Justin Bieber has 30 million now, so I would like 30 million and 1. Actually, now that I think about it, that would be something the garage monkeys could do in their down time — setting up false Twitter accounts to follow me. 1. A new race van
My old Chevy Express has been really good for the last three
years as a $1000 certified purchase, but the day will surely come when the 500,000 km beast will find a final resting spot. Sure, those Sprinter vans are nice, but real style would be showing up to the track in the original A-Team van.
I wonder if B.A. Baracus is good with monkeys and can cook?
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