Jen Fitton answers reader’s problems Dear Jen
When I married my wife she was slim and attractive and I felt like the luckiest man in the world, but since our two youngsters were born, she’s put on loads of weight and seems to have really let herself go. She takes no interest in her appearance and the house and everything is just a mess. She seems a com- pletely different person from the I’m beginning to feel fed up and trapped.
Gloomy
Dear Gloomy I’m sorry that you’re feeling so
fed up about your marriage; it’s important to remember that your met and married and may be as unhappy as you are. Try to under- stand what’s going on rather than just feeling grumpy or withdraw- ing from family life. I wonder if she may be feeling isolated or even depressed; has she given up a job that she enjoyed, or is being a mum not as much fun as she thought it would be? Having chil- dren can also bring up unresolved problems from the past and she
may need to talk to someone who can help her objectively with coun- selling and therapy. As with most problems, communi- cation is the key; talk to your wife about what she needs and take the time to listen to her.
Could
she be feeling overwhelmed by the work involved in looking after young children as it can some- times seem like a relentless, thank- less, lonely slog? Your prime con- cern at this time needs to be the children, because if your wife is not coping, they may not be having all their needs met; so it’s crucial that you try to sort this out to give them the best start in life. Could you give her more practical help, such as calmly taking over baths, bedtime and a story at the end of the day so that she has a chance to wind down? Or could you suggest that you do a quick tidy-up or help with the laundry, without making her feel that you’re criticising her? When the house- hold is running more smoothly, your wife may have more energy and show more interest in taking care of herself.
What about her
having one evening each week when you baby-sit and she has the chance to go out with her friends – perhaps for a run or to the gym? Problems with food and over-eat-
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ing are very complex and usually have a number of underlying is- sues. Most of us love our food, but we seldom eat to put on weight, so over-eating is often a symp- tom of other things. As I work with women, I see these problems from a woman’s perspective and I won- der if your wife is, like you, feeling fed up and trapped - even angry? Is she feeling bullied or under- mined by anyone? What does she feel that she’s lost since becoming a mum? Getting out for walks or going swimming as a family will you all, and helping with the shop- ping and the food preparation will also give you more input into what you’re buying and eating. Organising a babysitter and having some time out together away from the domesticity would help you to reconnect with each other and give you a chance to talk about stuff other than the children. Try to start having some fun together; these if you work together, being a par- ent can be great – and it does get easier and more enjoyable as the children get older.
All the best Jen
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