BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
SCORPIOOct 24 - Nov 22 For someone with such tendencies towards pyromania your life revolves around November 5th and this year you’re determined to obtain YouTube stardom. A meticulously planned display involves blocks of trinitrophenylmethylnitramine strapped to the fence, category 4 rockets and flaming effigies of Louis Walsh. Boom boom shake shake the room indeed. Lucky day: November 30th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Ooh you’re more excited than a child with a poo-y stick as Paul Daniels comes to Norwich this month. Indeed whether it’s swinging Ola Jordan around by her ankles or campaigning on behalf of an elephant with its trunk stuck up its anus the old boy is up for anything and, as you will find if you slip him a tenner. He’ll show you his new “hide the sausage” trick while proclaiming his immortal catchphrase; ‘you’ll like this, not a lot, but you’ll like it’… you won’t like it. Lucky day: November 26th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 You’ve been living austerely for weeks but too many super noodles have left you at the end of your tether. For extra wonga, you weigh up the amenities that people cannot live without; sliced bread, Facebook, hotel-based intercourse, and decide to become a prostitution whore. Tank Edmonds for financially prudent perverts. Lucky day: November 1st
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Disaster strikes early this month when a technical hitch causes Facebook to momentarily crash. Despite most people managing to accept the news peacefully, Aquarius is an angry race and you send a strongly worded e-mail to Mark Zuckerberg expressing your disappointment at not being able to sell a virtual donkey to a virtual friend in exchange for virtual money. Te bastard, I hope he chokes on his gold-plated corn flakes. Lucky day: November 22nd
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Ah ha!! Tis month sees you caught up in the retro craze but, determined to outdo the cool kids, you go in hardcore and commit to speaking like a nineteenth
10 /November 2011/
outlineonline.co.uk
century aristotwat. However due to the Russell Brand hair, dedication to being a sesquipedalianist and your already mephitic personality, you inadvertently ostracize your friends with your predilection for loquacious lexicalities, Lucky day: November 13th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Exciting times lay ahead this month as you move into a new house with your partner. However a minor argument over whose turn it was to put out the bins escalates into bloodshed and, there are lingering questions as to which of you will be taking up permanent residence under the decking… Lucky day: November 3rd
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Tis month your love life threatens to go limp, so you decide to go piercing crazy in a quest for heightened stimulation. Your newly galvanized gooch does mean you’re more metal than Kerry King but you’re also live in constant danger of powerful magnets rearranging your under
carriage.Lucky day: November 30th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Seeing Jodie Marsh bench-pressing buses inspires you to invest in one of them there electric abdominal toning belts…you masochist. I only advise you not to ramp it up too high because with all the protein shakes you’ve been glugging a shock too much will inevitably lead to the only part of you getting ‘ripped’ being your sphincter.. Lucky day: November 23rd
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 November brings untold terror when your home is beset by an infestation of
fleas. Yes not initially too concerning but when one of the blighters has a nibble on your blue-veined junket pumper you go Lock Stock on their collective asses and start blasting the hell out of all and sundry. Lucky day: November 6th
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Te new Assassin’s Creed is about to hit the shops and you’re one of those nutjobs that camps outside Game awaiting its release. Beware the nuttier job who goes one step further and, after seeing a pigeon circling over Gregg’s roof climbs to the top and launches off flattening you, your tent and your hopes of knocking one out before the store opens. Lucky day: November 15th
VIRGOAug 24 - Sep 23 Tanks to there being waaaay too much alcohol in the punch you don’t remember too much of Halloween but the evening will haunt you in other ways. It seems someone clearly put the willies up you pretty badly because you’re walking around like you’ve developed sexy rickets. Look on the bright side; you’re an absolute beast at the limbo now. Lucky day: November 11th
LIBRA Sep 24 - Oct 23 Aw when daddy’s little princess doesn’t get her own way this month she dishes out the silent treatment to those that have wronged her. You should remain mute it’ll give us a rest from your miserable, monotonous drone or, alternatively, try not to be a spoilt, repugnant little brat and grow the fuck up before your old saggy tits only have each other to fall out with. Lucky day: November 5th
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