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ONE MINUTE MOORE RANDALL MOORE Me? Old? Am I that uncool?


I was enjoying my end-of-week beer at the Main Street Pub when my new drinking friend asked if I was retired. I gave him a look to see if he was serious. He was.


Do I laugh or cry? I thought.


I went to the bathroom instead and looked in the mirror. The guy must be senile. Then it dawns on me that I’m in this can a lot. Like after every other sip of beer. Like an old man...


Where did the time go? Yeah, a common refrain, I know, but really, can I seriously be older than Stephen Harper? Am I that uncool?


I go to Bluesfest and concerts and


stuff like that. I work at a hip rock station. Why would that man think I was retired?


Then again, I had the Ottawa


Citizen open to the obituaries. My wife thinks it’s morbid, this new “hobby” of mine, looking to see if I recognize any of the deceased. She says that’s what old people do.


My kids really think I’m old. One has suggested I dye my hair. Another suggested I join an all-male choir. (Sure, girls, soon as the mall-walking season ends.)


The kids also think I’m old because I don’t embrace whatever the latest


62 BOUNDER MAGAZINE


tech gadget might be. So what that I don’t own a cell phone or know how to work my TV? Does this make me a Luddite, as one former colleague once said of me?


Yeah, I suppose it does...


Now the lads, the lads used to get together and talk sports and politics. Now we talk about colonoscopies.


“Really,” my brother said, “I didn’t feel a thing.”


Great. Then take one for the team. Me, I’d rather have my eyelids stapled shut.


I DID go, though. Had the colonoscopy. And it was even worse than I feared. My naked butt on full display. A camera the size of a fire- hose. My insides being turned inside out. Then it was over and I recall the doc saying something about seeing me in five years.


As for that peeing problem I alluded to? Well, they tell me there’s another camera involved and that I won’t feel a thing. Yeah, right.


They also tell me there are some good things about getting old.


I just don’t know what they are.


You can hear Randall every morning on CHEZ 106.


www.bounder.ca


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