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The Young and the Useless Our local television station was doing one of those success

profiles of a guy in town who had made a gazillion dollars and had women sending in resumés in hopes of having his children. I found the whole thing mildly irritating but I really lost it

when they announced that this guy was 27 years old. No average man over the age of 40 needs to hear that. If they can make a v-chip that filters out sex and violence,

they should be able to invent a gizmo that prevents the viewer from learning that not only is most of the world doing better than he is, they’re also doing it at half his age. Maybe they could even make a thingy that substitutes a

higher, more palatable number whenever age is mentioned. Wouldn’t it be great to hear that Bill Gates was 87 or Justin

Timberlake was 63 or Sidney Crosby was 74? It would give us all hope for the future.

No Peaking A lot of guys I know have a photograph of themselves

Photos by Todd Langill

in great physical shape. Maybe they were on the rowing team or maybe they were running every day or maybe they just had the time and motivation to work out on a regular basis. So they have this picture of themselves with small waists and rippling muscles. It might be on their desks or somewhere in their homes or even worse, buried deep in their minds. Every time they see or even think about that picture, they are reminded of how the aging process has destroyed them. It’s been a constant deterioration from that earlier peak of physical prowess to the pitiful flabby lethargic bald specimen they have now become. I, on the other hand, have a picture of myself on the

beach at the age of 13. My weight was within ten pounds of what it is now and there is no physical evidence of any type of muscle. I can stand beside that picture at any time and comfort myself that I have not “started to sag” or “let myself go” or “lost a step”. I was out of shape at 13 and I’ve maintained it all these years. Nobody looks at my picture and says “Wow, is that you?” Instead of looking good for a year or two and then feeling bad my whole life, I opted for looking bad all the time and feeling good my whole life.

Ten Signs That You Are Non-Communicative 1. When you phone somebody, you’re hoping to get their voice-mail.

2. You never ask anyone a question because you have no interest in their answer.

3. When you have a passenger in your car, you turn the 42 BOUNDER MAGAZINE By BRIAN WARREN radio up as loud as it will go.

4. You spend a lot of time alone in the garage. 5. When you have something to say, you speak loudly without taking a pause and then quickly exit the room.

6. E-mail is your favorite method of communicating because you can say whatever you want without interruption and then delete the reply without reading it.

7. When you come upon someone walking in the street, instead of saying “Good morning”, you pretend to see something important in the distance and start running towards it.

8. Your office phone has been set on Voice Message since 1991.

9. On the rare occasion when you send greeting cards, you don’t sign them.

10. You wear headphones that aren’t plugged into anything.

Are You Up For It? There is a peculiar disease that has plagued the men in

my family. In fact, it seems to apply to almost all men in all families. I think it’s called Riser’s Syndrome. There’s only one easy to spot the symptom - as you

get into middle age and beyond, you find yourself getting up earlier and earlier. A man who used to sleep till lunch at 27 will leap out of bed at the crack of dawn at 48. And the disease seems to progress as you get older. Generally you get up an hour earlier for every 10 years of your age. So at 30, if you were getting up at 7, at 40 you’ll get up at 6, at 50 you’ll get up at 5, and so on. If you live long enough, you actually run the risk of getting up before you go to bed.

That’s why older men start back-timing their

bedtime. We yawn through dinner, nap on the couch and generally try to hit the sack by 9:30 p.m. This can be very inconvenient for our wives and family, not to mention our dinner guests. So I’ve come up with a solution. If you’re going to bed at 9 and getting up at 5, you’re getting eight hours sleep – they’re just not the right eight hours. You need to move east – two time zones east – where 9 p.m. becomes 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. becomes 7 a.m. That’s acceptable for anybody. And in another 10 years, you’ll have to move further and further east. Keep doing this and you will always be keeping proper hours, no matter how old you get. Besides, I hear China is a great place to live.

Quote of the Day “Is that all there is? I hope so.”

– Red Green

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