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Coach carvey


How to inject some fun into your runs

occasionally stupid, jogging around in your underwear is crazy. What with the risk of injury, dog bites, side aches and the occasional taunting by brazen punks, running is the act of a madman! Also it has been said many times that the hardest part of a run is getting out the door and the best part is when it’s over. Everything in the above paragraph is true but I left out one thing, running is fun. Maybe I should say, sometimes running is fun but, let us explore how you can fill your jaunts with guffaws and chuckles. I beg you; I implore you; please do not run laps


around a track. I am aware that by circling this simple oval, you are unlikely to be crushed by a runaway delivery truck and you can keep track of exactly how far you run but, I have an answer to those concerns. Assuming your pace is fairly consistent; a wrist watch can tell you how far you ran. But more importantly there is this big ol’ world out there to explore and enjoy. Get in your car and then start it. Now drive to the nearest dirt road. Start your watch and begin jogging. Oh look, there’s a pond. Hello oak tree! Gee I wonder what’s around the next bend. It’s a drunken inbred farmer with a pitchfork. Just kidding. See, we are having fun. Another key to becoming a jovial jogger is to find a

running partner. I ran alone for decades but in the last four years I have found a running buddy, Peter. It’s kind of like a drinking buddy. Actually in this case it’s exactly like a drinking buddy! One of the more rewarding things Peter and I do is to

solve all the world’s problems on our long easy Sunday runs. Unfortunately, a couple times I was on the brink of a breakthrough that would change the world and failed. Last May I was a few strides away from inventing a formula to change ordinary sea water into pure energy that could power the Earth for a thousand centuries when the run abruptly ended. And on Tuesday I was 200 meters from brokering lasting peace in the Middle East

’m going to use 800 words and all of my brain cells in an attempt to pump up your running with mirth and merriment. Let’s face it: running can be filled with pain and drudgery. Sometimes boring and

but pulled a hammy! Oh well, last Sunday’s run yielded a design for an intergalactic space craft that is powered by belly button lint. So now that you are out in the middle of nowhere with

your running partner I want you to tell an off colour joke, also known as a dirty joke. There’s no prudish co-worker to worry about so let it rip. Ok I will go first. The security guard at a large shopping mall discovers a little five year-old boy sitting by himself and crying. He asks the boy where his parents are. The lad responds, “I’m here with my grandfather but I lost him.” The kindly guard assures the boy that everything is going to be fine and enquires, “I need your help son. Can you describe your Grand Daddy? What’s he like?” The boy looks up at the man and proudly states, “Big boobs and whiskey.” There are those days that you know you don’t have it. You look down at your legs, and there’s nobody home.

“ Gee I wonder what’s around the next bend. It’s a drunken inbred farmer with a pitchfork.’“

Even the lights are turned off. You may ask how I can possibly make these utility runs, fun? Well first, you must take all the pressure off of any kind of quality outing with this declaration to your running partner, “We are going to go out slow and taper!” Then as you begin your death march ask your jogging buddy, “Why are you sprinting?” This will usually cause the runner to laugh and then slow his pace. If the running partner starts picking up the pace then pick out one of your dirty jokes and let them have it! Another way to inject fun in your run also involves a car and a friend. There is big beautiful Mountain in California called Mt. Tam. Every time I run to the top I find my friend, a car and a bucket of brews waiting for me. With a cold beer in my hand and a magnificent view, do I wish I had just circled a track? Hell no!

Mysterious Coach Carvey lives in the USA and has never actually been seen by anyone. Investigate him further at:

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