Mom and Me
self. The old me, the new me, some ver- sion of me. The new me had discovered depths
of love I’d never known possible. The new me also had a razor-like intensity. A life was in my hands all day every day. Nothing else mattered. But the old me was still in there. Cu-
rious if there was some sort of mommy doctrine that said you could never again enjoy a full night of uninterrupted sleep or drink a cup of coffee alone in silence. I wondered if it was abnormal to hope a former colleague was calling, every time the phone rang, desperately needing my help for something other than changing diapers. So I did what crazed people through-
claimed her distaste for the phrase “work- life balance.” She proudly referred to the delicate balance of work and home in her life as “work-life integration.” Sitting in a sea of fashionably suited
A
women, I had to restrain myself from choking on my coffee. I couldn’t imagine a colder word than integration. But I un- derstood the point. Finding the ideal bal- ance is less about an existence of equal parts and more about knowing how to make one work with the other. I have a personal disdain for another
commonly bantered mantra. “Women can have it all, just not all at once.” A clear statement of the facts, right?
Women can do anything, but we are smart and capable enough to know that when we try to do too much, something suffers. Before experiencing the full meaning of the words, I thought the sentiment was brilliant.
couple of years ago, I attended a women’s breakfast where the keynote speaker confidently pro-
And then I made the life altering de-
cision to stay home for a few years when my oldest was born. I immediately loved being mom. I
felt honored to take care of my new lit- tle cherub. I watched him sleep, nursed round the clock and monitored appro- priate amounts of “tummy time.” But I couldn’t shake the aimlessness of my new existence. Days had no beginning, mid- dle or end. The week felt that way too. Monday became Wednesday and Friday suddenly was no big deal. I just kept thinking “Women have
been doing this since the beginning of time, what is my problem?!” I tried to dig deeper, to find my own
personal well of selflessness that I was sure, as a woman, I must have. I knew this new role was the most important of my life. But I still felt lost. Happy and lost, but not happily lost. I found myself constantly looking. In
search of something. Sometimes I would catch myself staring at other women. Looking for clues on where to find my-
out the generations have done: I began talking to myself. Through writing. I made a vow to myself to use one of my son’s naps each day to write. One hour to write and dream and work on where I wanted to go.
Slowly writing about the worried, in-
tense energy of caring for my little one fueled a sense of personal purpose too. Wishes and dreams that had been tucked away through the frenzy of professional endeavors and setting up life surfaced. Only now I had a special perspective. I knew how fast life zoomed. I experienced it firsthand each day as I watched my son grow. Suddenly, “later” seemed like an answer for the laundry and not life. That hour is still part of my routine
most days almost seven years later. Sure there are days when an hour is really more like thirty minutes. When my best intentions are superseded by phone calls or volunteering at school or freelance projects. And other days when I start to lose the will. When it feels indulgent and silly to pour my insides out on the page. But now I know where to find my-
self. Writing helps me to reach into the unknown while cherishing today. To ap- preciate what I have, even when I’m not sure what “having it all” really means. To find the courage to be Mom and me.
Holly Howley is a freelance writer who lives in Glastonbury, Connecticut. She writes on a variety of topics including work-life balance issues and the adven- tures of being mom. She also leads the Idea Workshop, a workshop for people in- terested in exploring their creative process and ideas. For more information, Holly can be reached at
hollyhowley@cox.net.
38 August 2010
www.naturalnutmeg.com
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