It's All About West

Page 28 It’s All About West Swindon
In a Perfect World
I
n case you didn’t notice, the world is not
a perfect place. There’s war, pollution,
hunger, injustice, and of course Britney
Spears.
One night, after being ﬂ agrantly
overserved by a bartender, I scribbled
on cocktail napkins a list of world
improvements. I called it “If I Were God”,
then, as the beer wore on, “What Happened
to My Childhood” and ﬁ nally “Gibbledy
Gobbledy Goo.”
We’ll stick with the editor-friendly, “In
a Perfect World”. The unabridged list is,
• decaf coffee would come in a different
unfortunately, swirling above a local landﬁ ll,
colour.
but here are some napkins that survived the
• the Smiths and the Smythes would get
ride home.
together and sort out the spelling for
once and all.
Ahem. In a perfect world…
• political speech writers would deliver
• pug dogs would have a reasonable
the speeches.
amount of skin on their face.
• lawyers would speak a language that
• we’d get paid for the time we spend
humans understand.
preparing for, commuting to, talking
• sick days would include when you’re
about, and unwinding from work.
sick of work.
• radio stations would keep their contest
• weight gain would be caused not by
money and play some bloody music.
food but by some undelicious thing like
• all of a woman’s issues could be ﬁ xed
televangelism.
with WD-40 and duct tape.
• every driver would understand and
• answering machines would come with
honour the Merge Concept.
a get-to-the-point button.
• if an ofﬁ cer had to tackle the suspect
• breeding laws would limit couples to
to make an arrest, the ofﬁ cer would be
one child per 75 IQ points.
entitled to three free punches.
• no man, including the husband, would
• we could surgically remove that part of
ever be invited to a baby shower.
our brain that plays the same snippet
• trafﬁ c lights would change when we
of music over and over and over.
honk at them. But the world is not perfect, so we have
• our TV’s brightness control would turn storms and train wrecks and Britney
up the intelligence. Spears, and are left to wonder about life
• global warming would include the UK’s and nature that falls this way. It would be
weather. too much to hope for that something will
• ballot papers would have a ‘none of the come along to iron out the wrinkles and put
above’ option. the whole world back in perspective.
• the game of “peekaboo” would have an In the meantime lots of beer goes a long
ofﬁ cial end. way to creating the illusion.
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Issue 5 West.indd 28 30/07/2009 17:03
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