AN INDEPENDENT REMEMBERS
“Don’t get drunk on Christmas spirits”
see, with the super-attractive power tool kits and the dump bins spilling out festive gifts, we had more on offer for Christmas than ever before. But the thought that lurked at the back of my mind (and was stealthily working its way round to the front) was that just about all of what we had to offer entailed work of some kind. And who is sad enough to want work from a Christmas gift (apart from me)?
T
“I don’t know what it is you’re worried about,” the boss said. “Women’ll be only too happy to buy their men ‘owt to keep ‘em busy and out of their way. We’ve plenty of stuff here to give ‘em good ideas. And, if they don’t want to fork out for an electric drill, you can pack ‘em up a wallpapering kit with a paste brush, scissors and a seam roller. Hey, how about a selection of rodent traps and poisons, or maybe a mixed bag of woodscrews that’ll fit just nicely in someone’s Christmas stocking? What about those fancy pozi screwdriver kits we had last year?” I told him they’d all sold out. “Well, there you are then, nowt to lose any sleep over.” He patted me on the head like I was his little elf, but if I was the apprentice to his Santa, right then I was feeling distinctly Claus-trophobic.
Mince and source There were still certain products
www.diyweek.net
welve days ‘til Christmas and I was worrying more than a bird who’s found himself at a clay pigeon party. You
DIY gifts, price-matching, and a great sense of achievement, as our independent hardwareman takes a step back in time with part 31 of his stories from the shop floor
I couldn’t get hold of, and one such item was Dulux Woodsheen. Remember the TV advert, with what would later be termed a “nerdy” type, wearing a bright, patterned sleeveless jumper? I’ve checked and it’s not yet on YouTube. This varnish-type
product – but not
varnish as such – actually stretched and contracted with the wood, according to changes in conditions. Now, despite the annoying advert, I could see the benefits of such a product because for a few years I’d been appalled at the speed
at which other so-called
exterior varnishes simply cracked and shelled off. Whilst we still had customers who would swear blind that they would only ever use yacht varnish, others came back to tell us that the stuff we’d sold them only a few months ago was rubbish, some of them vowing never to shop with us again. So the traditional fayre was losing us money and custom and we certainly needed to stock a stretchable microporous wood finish. But it seemed as if our many and varied suppliers weren’t varied enough. Needless to say – surprise, surprise – our new competitors on the far side of town stocked it, no problem, and I wondered what else they had round there. Maybe I should have sent round some mince spies.
Light bulb blues Christmas tree light bulbs – what can I say? What instance of stocking these damned things can I mention that none of us has actually lived through and had nightmares over? This was how it went: my first question: “How many lights are there?” Answer: “Only one bulb has gone”. Second question: “No, how many lights are there in the whole set?” Answer: “It’s just a normal set.” Third question: “Are there 20, 40 or more?” Then they’d get that glazed look in their eyes – and this was before we got around to asking about whether they screwed or pushed and what size of push it was. Had they brought one to show us? “Why would I?”, they said, “everyone knows what a tree bulb looks like!” Oh dear, I’m getting indigestion already, and it’s not yet Christmas Day, so I’ll move on and spruce up our own tree.
Not co-operating
Our new shop was making an impact. I liked it when people compared our Black & Decker prices with the sheds and found we were at least the same. The big boys certainly didn’t have the added-value packs, which was some kind of
sweetener for the
independents. One day, the boss told me there was a bloke in a
suit taking notes. “You mean he’s raiding the till?” I dashed into the shop to find a man looking at the B&D display and writing down our prices. I recognised him as the manager of the Co-op department store – the same bloke who’d declined my request for a refund when he refused to fix a faulty video recorder in 1980 and, right now, I was tempted to chuck him out of the shop. But common sense kicked in and I took some satisfaction in knowing that our bigger, if still small, independent shop was causing him some seasonal sales concerns.
Postscript We had a great time on the run up to that first Christmas in our bigger shop. The extra space made so much difference – not only to stock depth and levels, and the respect we gained from the shoppers, but more importantly to how we began to feel about our achievements and expectations. We weren’t empire building, of course; I realise this, but I have a long memory. On that happy note, 36 years
later, I wish my readers all the best; especially the independents. And, don’t get drunk on Christmas spirits, or you could end up like Ebenezer Scrooge … oh dear, my apologies for the jokes.
14 DECEMBER 2018 DIY WEEK 23
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