x3butterfly Between cities, selves, and shadows
“Detroit was the foundation; Guanajuato provided me with an expanded sense of identity, Berlin cultivated space for gender and sexual freedom, and NYC allowed me to unpack the numerous things I had compartmentalized.”
“Who I am when the music stops, at least who I aspire to be, is someone my inner child can be proud of. That doesn’t have to take any one ‘fixed’ shape, but rather something malleable, adaptable, and ever-evolving. Exploring various media and cities requires a level of vulnerability that comes with risk, which is why I continually approach things with a childlike sense of curiosity.
Many moments of inspiration arise from simply observing and being in both familiar and unfamiliar environments. I don’t want to impose a rigid identity, but rather stay attuned to the flow that my life’s trajectory has taken, and trust in the process that leads me where I am meant to be. The core of this is the spirit or the soul, and the commodification of art has been slowly depriving us all of it. I’m trying to find the harmony that affirms to me why I do what I do.”
That core, fluid yet unshakable, has been shaped by cities as much as by in- ner work. Detroit built the foundation.
Guanajuato gave them an expanded sense of identity. Berlin offered space for gender and sexual freedom. New York allowed the unpacking of long-compartmentalized emotions. Each place, they explain, has altered their relationship with themselves in ways they are still tracing.
“It feels a bit like a chicken-or-the-egg paradox; the pinnacle of personal freedom has always been at the intersection of the external and internal. Detroit was the foundation; Guanajua- to provided me with an expanded sense of identity, Berlin cultivated space for gender and sexual freedom, and NYC allowed me to unpack the numerous things I had compartmentalized. Each place provided me with something uniquely distinct, which broadened my understanding of myself. At times, it has been egregious, but recently I’ve finally begun to hold space and compassion for myself in ways I couldn’t do prior. I’m not sure if there was ever a turning point; I often feel pretty isolated. That’s not to say I don’t feel loved or have a lot of support in my life, but on an existential level, it’s difficult to unders- tand exactly where my puzzle piece fits.”
One of the rare moments when that puzzle piece felt like it belonged came on a mountain in China.
“I semi-recently visited Mount Qincheng in the Sichuan province of China, which is the birthplace of the formalization of Daoism. This was notable because it was a time when I felt a rare, unfilte- red kind of freedom. I align myself with many Daoist principles, and being there was incredibly clarifying. Over the past few years, I’ve been engaging in a dia- logue with myself that didn’t exist before, and taking the time to unders- tand who I am on a fundamental level, free from the cloudiness of external pressure. I started going into nature solo as much as possible and developing solid and consistent grounding practi- ces.”
Growing up in Detroit with a Mexi- can-American background meant navigating multiple cultural realities, even if no one explicitly asked them to choose sides.
“My upbringing was culturally monoli- thic. Sides were never overtly expressed, but I recognized from an early age that there was family conflict. A lot of tensions came from attempting to have a voice in a household that only ampli- fied shame. Shame is often taught and is one of the most challenging things to unlearn. My grandparents rarely allowed me to express myself, so I could never fully advocate for what I truly wanted without emotional ramifications.
Leaving home at thirteen was the beginning of understanding what I desired for myself without having to quiet or suppress my voice. I didn’t have a proper
in Mexico until I was in my early twenties.
tionship caused me to feel whole in a way that propelled other facets of my being that weren’t yet aligned, before that initial visitation. Not being able to embrace both sides of my cultural heritage fully has always left me with a fragmented sense of identity, but I’m actively trying to reclaim it now.”
That reclamation extended beyond personal identity leadership
Guanajuato’s first queer party. of acceptance and when they
into community started
“Visibility at some point becomes an essential moral obligation, to provide people who haven’t been given the grace
love a Establishing that
Coincidentally, that was around the same time I had come out as genderqueer.
rela-
chance also to be seen and heard in a space that feels safe and familiar to them. This is especially important in places that lack community infras- tructure. Invisibility isn’t neutrality; it’s erasure.”
Nightlife has been both healing and hazardous for them.
“That is undoubtedly true, and finding a balance is arguably one of the most challenging aspects of working in nightlife. Nightlife comes with a plethora of temptations and enabling, which I think is pervasively embedded in the entertainment industry.
Stressful situations can easily unfold into unhealthy coping habits and cons- tant escapist tendencies. Growing up as a child actor, I quickly learned what it meant to self-monetize, which forced me to reckon with the reality of working at a young age. Naturally, that’s a lot of pressure on a child. As much as I loved to be a performer, it’s simultaneous- ly always been work for me. The harsh reality for an artist is facing numerous rejections, as well as working multiple jobs in an attempt to sustain their creative life. I became a sex worker while living abroad for precisely that reason.
The industry controversy
always palatable, unless it can be packaged carefully and monetized.
relationship with my family
People would rather compromise their morals for money, which is, unfortuna- tely, as old as any story of power and empire. The BDS movement is only starting to gain traction, and it’s already nearly two years into the genocide. It’s devastating that sociopolitical topics that shouldn’t be brave to speak on become newsworthy headlines when they should just be normal. I want to push for more honesty in this scene, because it’s the only way ‘controversy’ slowly becomes destigmatized. Vulne- rability in a public sphere is an opportu- nity to be torn down, but taking that risk is necessary.”
Grounding themselves after a perfor- mance is less about ritual than about instinct.
“I don’t have any one specific grounding routine.
39
often skates around because honesty
isn’t
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