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A tale of the unexpected


Roger Tagholm finds that love is in the air (and on the ground) as the trade approaches Valentine’s Day


The week of love lies ahead and, my goodness, it’s breaking out all over: publishers’ affection for Waterstones, Waterstones for the high street, Sebastian Barry for Costa coffee. Let’s take a look and see where Cupid’s arrow will be falling next week. On Tuesday, Max Porter is awakened by a terrible


squawking outside his bedroom window. He pulls up the blind to see a crow perched on the window ledge, with a heart-sharped card in its mouth. It cocks its head to one side so Porter can read the message: “To Max, from UK indies. We love you! Another soon, please?” He isn’t the only author to be feeling the affection


SUBSCRIPTIONS


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of readers on this special morning. Paula Hawkins is touched to receive a bouquet from the head of Chiltern Railways, on whose routes Hawkins received so much inspiration. The card reads: “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Our rolling stock’s yours/Whatever next you do.” Tucked into the scented envelope, she finds one of the most romantic gifts a man can buy a woman: an annual season ticket from Watford Junction to Euston. En route to her new home at Village Books in Dulwich,


south-east London, events manager Sheila O’Reilly hears the sound of a helicopter overhead. She looks up and sees a figure leap from the open door. A parachute opens and red smoke begins pouring from a can in the figure’s hand. O’Reilly stops. She cannot believe her eyes. The figure paints a giant heart against the clouds and, inside, sky-writes the words “Sheila, be my Valentine!” Oh my goodness! It can’t be. Yes, it’s local resident Pierce Brosnan, who O’Reilly persuaded to visit her previous shop, Dulwich Books, last year. The only trouble is, he’s got a book and receipt in his other hand.


Nielsen’s Jo Henry, currently on a charity cycle ride


from Ho Chi Minh City to Angkor Wat, is somewhat surprised to find a Vietnamese postman cycling alongside her, yelling “These for you!” and waving a clutch of envelopes. She pulls over and immediately begins sorting dozens of Valentines cards by size, colour, handwriting style, theme, etc, with an appropriate weighting for statistical accuracy and a built-in 7.5% margin for error. Her colleague, Steve Bohme, will reveal more during Nielsen’s slot at the London Book Fair’s Quantum Conference in March, but for now it’s safe to assume that Henry is attracting a wide demographic, all of whom she will send follow-up emails to on her return. Newly promoted Century deputy publisher Ben


Brusey arrives at his desk to see a giant, heart-shaped Earth suspended from the ceiling. Above it, like a halo, are these sparkling words, carefully cut in silver paper: “Hello, is this Planet Love?” He has no idea who it is from. Would his author Tim Peake have sent it? Bit weird. But maybe. Space can do funny things to a man. Security is called at Simon & Schuster after


a mysterious pulsating parcel arrives for new editorial director for fiction Anne Perry. Cautiously she unwraps it, and as she does so, a swathe of luminescent green slime slithers on to her desk. Miraculously, it forms a message: “To earthling Anne. We, the characters from other worlds you have published, thank you for the life you have given us. We ask you to be our publishing Valentine for ever!” Perry wipes away a tear. This is one Valentine’s Day she will never forget.


Picture: Leszek Czerwonka


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