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Cary Bayer, Life Coach, author of Prosperity
Aerobics and Meditations on Enlightenment
www.carybayer.com
Fear of Love, Part 2 Last month’s article was Fear of Love. This month continues with
the topic. As a result of 2020 many people are looking at their lives in new ways and some relationships are in flux. What if it’s not about changing the partner but transforming how we give and receive love? Is it possible that what we, as humans, crave the most is also for some what we fear the most? If therapists’ walls could talk just about every story would be about love not received, not fulfilled, not reciprocated or not returned. So many of us want that very special love and yet if that love appears we may not always be capable of receiving what is offered.
That may sound a bit exaggerated but the everyday stories that we live show us how at the bottom of our pain is often the inability to totally let go and give and receive love with abandon. That kind of loving takes courage! It requires us to let go of our protections and show our vulnerability. It demands that we remove our masks and live our authenticity. It asks us to love unreservedly and lay down our fear of rejection or abandonment. It calls to us to accept its gifts and surrender into the joy of it. I call this “loving big”. And, yes, it can be scary to love and be loved with the genuine, open, accepting embrace of who you are.
What does fear of love look like? When there is fear of love it is
difficult for us to be totally intimate. We may not always share our feelings, our fears and our vulnerabilities. Fear of love can keep us in conflict. If we are protecting our feelings, we can’t be in our truth and lack of truth leads to conflict. If we are afraid to open to love we can’t be completely happy or feel true joy and peace in our hearts. And, if we are hesitant to open our hearts to others we may even find ourselves stuck in some area of our life. This is because fear tightens and constricts while love opens. The nature of love is expansive. Fear of love keeps us contracted. Our bodies are defended against it and that keeps us from opening up completely. It’s a vicious cycle. When we can’t open to love we can’t give or receive the love that we are. Yes, we are LOVE. And whether we know it or not we are all trying to live the love that we are.
From a psychological perspective, fear of love is understandable.
We may have had experiences in our lives that taught us that it is dangerous to love. We may have been scarred by love. We may have been traumatized by lack of love. If that is true for you, it is really important to acknowledge it and talk about it. That sounds so cliché but it is so true. It is about having compassion for that part of you that
suffered all that hurt. Compassion means “being with the suffering”. It is not pity. It is how we feel when a friend is in pain and all we can do is be with him or her. We don’t have to say anything; we just have to be there. And, we have to have compassion for ourselves in order to begin opening our hearts to love. If this resonates with you, acknowledge the truth of it and decide if you would like to move on. If you would like to live more openly begin by observing when the fear shows up. Notice if you are being honest about the facts in a situation but not truthful, that is, not sharing your feelings about what’s going on. Notice what happens in your body when you consider sharing those feelings. Do you contract? Shutdown? Freeze?
Notice old habits of self-protection. How do they show up? Do you distract, disregard, deny, diverge? What do you do to avoid the discomfort of a situation that may be requiring you to be more truthful about what you are feeling? Notice your conversations. Are you sharing all of your doings and none of your feelings? Are your conversations ever self-revelatory? Are you conscious of communication that keeps you talking yet saying nothing? Some of us love telling stories or making jokes as a way of keeping distance. Are you telling the truth of your feelings? Notice if you ever let the other person in. Do you give him or her the opportunity to touch your heart or do you shield against it? Can you feel the shield when it comes up?
If you desire to move out of the fear of love it is important to remember that things don’t change fast. We don’t have to crack our heart open right away, nor could we. Transformation is a process that respects our timing. Just think of love as a continuum and get a sense of where you are and how far you aspire to go and open to the adventure. There is no end to love. Love is the energy of the Universe. And when our heart is full and fully giving and receiving love our life expands. That’s how love works!
psychology, spiritual principles and an energy based perspective in her work with clients. She welcomes anyone ready to work on personal or relationship issues. She can be reached at 201-967-9377 or visited at
www.reflectingtruth.com.
Marina Maurino, is a teacher/therapist who integrates
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