TRAINING & EDUCATION Frank Newberry
Mind your language
Training Advisor Frank Newberry looks at the way we speak to people. He suggests that our choice of words and tone of voice can profoundly affect our relationships with others - not just our friends and family, but work colleagues, bosses and team members
I want to start by telling you about a former Belgian Air Force lieutenant called Charles A Didier, who taught me how to ‘mind my language’.
Mr Didier suggested in a speech, many years ago, that we can measure the quality of our relationships by the way we speak to each other.
What, he wondered, were our relationships actually based on? Thinking about the words we choose, and the tone we use, were our relationships based on trust and respect? On duty and justice? Or, for some of the time at least, were they actually based on fear and doubt?
He went on to cover a lot of ground. Basically asking us what type of world we wanted to live in? One based on a fear and doubt mindset? One based on duty and justice? Or one based on trust and respect? Here is my take on what he said.
Trust and Respect
Let me begin with some of my own findings. Over many years, I have been asking work teams, educators and managers what they would ideally want to have their working relationships based on. The unanimous response? A mindset of mutual trust and respect.
From research that I have seen, about half of the workforce wants to be left alone and trusted and respected enough to do the work the way they think is best. You, like me, may come into this category yourself.
The research also suggests that the other half of the workforce wants to know what ‘best practice’ at work might be, and then be trusted and respected enough to get on and do the work efficiently and correctly. In my own case, if work methods change, or if the work is new to me, I will also drop into this second category.
So, now we might ask ourselves - what are the consequences of people not getting the trust and respect they want at work? Surely, trust and respect at work have to be earned?
104 PC December/January 2021
My view is that we ought to be able to sort out who does which boring and mundane task - as a team - and in a way that we show support for each other, rather than inferring or even
”
accusing people of not pulling their weight
In my experience, if we do not give people trust and respect (from the outset) then we run the risk of losing these people - who might, sooner or later, look for trust and respect elsewhere - in a new job perhaps, or a new situation or a new relationship in their life.
Time for an audit of yourself? Does your current choice of words and your tone of voice always show people the trust and respect they crave?
Duty and Justice
I hope that it does. If not now, then in the future. Again, in my experience, the trust and respect mindset is seen by people as being far superior to the duty and justice one.
We might often be tempted to say something like: ‘It is your turn to do that dirty job - it is only fair on everyone else’. Tone would be very important here. We can communicate the view that trust and respect have to be earned - just in the tone of our voice. The problem is that the source of this statement is rooted in the duty and justice mindset, and not in trust and respect.
My view is that we ought to be able to sort out who does which boring and mundane task - as a team - and in a way that we show support for each other, rather than inferring or even accusing people of not pulling their weight. For more information on sorting things out as a team, check out one of my earlier Pitchcare articles from 2016 - Ten Ground Rules for the Turfcare Team.
Those of us in leadership can set the tone by saying (at the outset) to new people ‘We believe team members should show trust and respect to each other at all times. Will you have a problem with that?’ With some individuals, or even whole teams, we may need to be patient. For patience, as opposed to impatience, shows trust and respect.
Fear and Doubt
Showing impatience might be the beginning of using fear and doubt as a weapon in our relationships. That night, Mr Didier taught us not to base our relationships on fear and doubt, e.g. ‘If you do not do that dirty job right away, you are in big trouble’.
His view was that, if people cannot escape their situation, they will become cynical and resentful. They might not do good work willingly. We risk a situation in which people fight for their self-respect and satisfy their feelings of resentment by doing just enough work to get by. Their work is of an acceptable standard, but no better. It is just enough to get by so that they will keep their job.
Now, if I audit my own performance over time, I have to admit to using all three mindsets, particularly with my children when they were younger. I might start by saying ‘Let’s tidy up our rooms so that we can get on the road to Alton Towers in good time’.
This love and trust approach would quickly become a duty and justice one if my kids did not get down to their chores. I would continue by saying: ‘Come on now, you promised, that was our deal’.
And, sure enough, this would then default to fear and doubt as the time went by and
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109 |
Page 110 |
Page 111 |
Page 112 |
Page 113 |
Page 114 |
Page 115 |
Page 116
