“It all started in the most usual of ways…


boy meets boy, boy isn’t attracted to boy, boy gets two children…” Ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted to be a father, a fam- ily man. As I approached my 40’s, I kept the dream alive, but really didn’t give it much thought because the cost of adopting made my dream seem insurmountable. I always thought “In a year or two I’ll have the money to adopt…” As each year approached I didn’t and, like with so many dreams, life got in the way of doing. Over the process of a week or two, while


chatting with a man on OK Cupid, a date was set. He arrived that night and within minutes I realized there was no attrac- tion—but I had a full Martini so I couldn’t just excuse myself—civility is tantamount for me. It was a good thing too, because the date ended up lasting four hours because I asked him about his work and it turns out he worked for a foster care agency. We discussed my dreams of being a father and how it could become reality and that money did not necessarily have to be an obstacle. Two days later, I was attending an orientation at his agency about foster care and adoption. The statistics were and still are sobering:


In Los Angeles alone, there are over 20,000 children in foster care and almost 450,000 across the United States. These children have been victims of, or witness to, neglect, domestic violence, substance


abuse and other traumas that have changed the structure of their developing brains. Without a loving, supportive, safe home, even if only for a brief moment, the chance of them passing the legacy of what happened to them on to future generations is all but guaranteed. The ultimate goal of foster care is to preserve the family unit, and by and large,


many children are reunited with their families. Either parents who have made the necessary changes in their lives to get their children back, or an extended relative or non-relative family member may step in and become a guardian. This isn’t for the faint of heart, because the court’s initial goal is family


reunification, so the risks of having your heart broken are very real. I have heard from firsthand experience, how foster families parent a child for up to two years hoping to adopt, just to have the court ultimately decide to place with the child with a relative for adoption. However, there are still large numbers of such children who will need a permanent placement with someone who is not a part of their immediate world. This is when the court looks for adoptive homes within the foster family community, ideally in the family where they are already residing. There is also a stigma when it comes to talking about money and foster care.


The reality is though, you should be discussing money from the start. California has put in place certain benefits to help ease the burden of parenting, so the


foster and adoptive parents can focus on the child’s developmental and emotional needs, instead of letting financial concerns overwhelm them. To offset the risks, foster parents receive a monthly stipend to help provide clothing, food and other necessities. The stipend continues even after adoption, up until the child turns 18. This monthly assistance for many can be the difference between giving up on dreams of parenthood or finding out you may actually be able bring a child into your home, changing both your life and theirs forever. For me, the stipend allowed me to hire a nanny, so I could work and provide the best care for my children. California also provides health insurance for all foster children. Medi-Cal is


provided at no charge to you, even after adoption, until your child turns 18 (and up to 21 for children with special needs). Public university tuition is also covered by the government for foster and former foster youth. In addition to public education, the amount of grants and scholarships available to these children can dramatically offset the cost of private college tuition as well, broadening the spectrum of their education possibilities. There are also a range of organizations out there that will assist with the cost of computers, tutoring and other services such as orthodontics to help you, allowing you to spend your energy on the most important aspects of parenting. At the onset of my journey, as I absorbed all this new information, I gave myself


some time to meet with multiple foster family agencies, DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services), as well as exploring other traditional adoption programs. Soon after, I was knee deep in paperwork, background checks, hours of training and home study sessions—it sounds scarier than it is—it’s just tedious more than anything else. Once I gave my agency a date I could take a placement, I started getting calls.


Many people can wait quite a while for placement calls, but the more open you are to various ethnicities, genders, ages, reunification risk levels and numbers of siblings, the more placement calls you will receive. My parameters were pretty broad: up to two children, any race, any gender, up to age three and moderate risk level. Within a year of the beginning of my journey to fatherhood, two little girls came


into my life. I was very lucky, it was only a few months before the judge declared me the prospective adoptive parent and my home the permanent placement plan. The road was not sure or easy, there were objections, re-hearings and an appeal’s process to navigate. But, I learned a lot about myself during that time; my strength, resolve and resilience revealed themselves in ways I never dreamed existed. On October 8, 2015, I stood in front of a judge at the Edmund D. Edelman


Children’s Court, where by the strike of his gavel, I was declared the legal adoptive father of those two precious little girls “with all the rights and responsibilities attached thereto.” Like most foster youth their early lives were not their choosing, and my children


were exposed to abuse and neglect. What happened to them I will never truly know, but the neglect was so severe that my youngest had only six hours to live when they found her. I will not talk poorly about the people who created my children however, because their own problems are most likely systemic, rooted in generations of instability. And, if not for their struggles, my lovely girls would not have entered my life. I wouldn’t be their father, and I wouldn’t rejoice every time I hear their little voices call me “Daddy.”


Gaetano Jones is an actor/singer/songwriter living in West Hollywood. Mr. Jones serves


as the Adoptions and Foster Care Liaison at Vista del Mar. If you would like more information about the foster care system and adopting through foster care, please email fostercare@ vistadelmar.org or go to vistadelmar.org/adoption .


SEPTEMBER 2018 | RAGE monthly 39


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