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Focus on the Good When Barbara Unell, a parent educator and author of Discipline With Love and Limits: Calm, Practical Solutions to the 43 Most Common Childhood Behavior Problems, birthed twins, she was initially daunted by the work of caring for them. Ten she began simplifying by focusing on the “wow” factors. “Being a parent speaks to the core of


our humanity. Experiencing the growth and development of a human being is miraculous. I started looking at parenting through that lens,” says Unell, who lives in the Leawood, Kansas, area. Asha Dornfest, of Portland, Oregon, a


podcaster, co-author of Minimalist Parent- ing: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Do- ing Less and mother of two, relates, “I paid more attention to my values and my fam- ily’s unique needs and was less influenced by parenting experts, social pressures and well-meaning peers.” Dornfest explored


her own values by ask- ing, “What did I learn from my parents?” and, “How do I want my family to be differ- ent?” She also practiced trusting her intuition. “Even when I’m not cer- tain I’m right, I know I love my children, I’m doing my best, and I’ll make adjust- ments if necessary,” she says.


Create Rhythm


and Rituals Rhythmic activities ease the anxiety of family transitions and furnish warm solidarity, consistency and connectedness. “Increasing the predictability of meals, bedtime and other rituals also improves family life,” says Davina Muse, a mental health counselor and mother of two from Great Barrington, Massachusetts. Muse serves as training


director for Simplicity Parenting, a program based on Kim John Payne’s book Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power


of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids that offers a connective ritual families can merge with mealtimes. Each per- son describes a “rose” (one good thing from the day) or a “thorn” (one challenging thing) and a “bud” (one thing they’re anticipating). Such sharing builds a family connec-


tion and helps kids discuss difficult issues, notes Muse. Also, “Describing the bud liſts everyone’s mood.” Every Friday evening, the Dornfests


share a Sabbath dinner, a low-key way for them to gather and talk. “Tis ritual adds a rhythm to our week and anchors us,” says Dornfest.


Elect De-Stress Over Distress Everyone can sometimes become over- scheduled and overwhelmed; a balance between scheduled time and downtime is necessary to well-being. In her daily check- in, Dornfest confers with herself and her husband, inquiring, “How are things go- ing? Are they too hectic? Is our schedule energizing or draining?” She advises, “When I


feel like I’m riding a runaway train, I slow down. Tere seem to be so many ‘shoulds’ in parenting; we instead need to


discover what our family loves.” Before enlisting a child for


an activity, Dornfest suggests we ask why it’s important: Are you making up for your own missed


opportunities as a child? Are you worried your child will miss out? Do you equate these lessons with being a good and caring parent? Parenting is more than check-


ing off lists and tasks. It’s about being connected with children. Build in playtime, roughhousing, chase each other around the yard, toss balloons or balls together, blow bubbles and welcome opportu- nities for laughter.


Soothing Quiet Time Children that act out or with- draw may not have enough downtime. Take the kids outside to play. “Nature is very soothing,” says Muse. “Climb


Heart-Strong Parenting


by Deborah Shouse I


ncorporating love throughout the day keeps a child’s tank full. Consider


these tips from love languages expert Gary Chapman.


Physical Touch – Get Close


¤ Greet the child with a hug ¤ Stroke their hair while they talk about a challenging day


¤ Snuggle while watching TV


Affirmations – Encouraging Words


¤ Put a positive note in the child’s lunch box


¤ Appreciate something the child did or said


¤ Create an encouragement jar, with praising words to use as needed


Quality Time – Periods of Undivided Attention


¤ Ask a specific question about their day that elicits discussion


¤ Schedule a date with each child ¤ Create something together, like a photo album


Giſts – Tangible Expressions of Love


¤ Make a special meal or dessert; maybe do it together


¤ Have some small giſts the child can choose from as rewards for positive actions


¤ Seek natural giſts, like a special feather, stone or flower


Acts of Service – Volunteer Assistance


¤ Ask, “How can I help you today?” ¤ Help a child repair a broken toy or resolve a challenge


¤ Do a family service project together August 2018 17


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