living poz
by wilfredo b. carrasco
My life was in a rapid downward spiral of drugs and depression: I went
from living in Manhattan’s Times Square as a Couture Ladies Head Designer to homelessness in California…ultimately leading me to an HIV positive diagnosis. One day a close friend of mine asked to meet. He said he had something important to share with me, little did I know that he wanted to share with me his recent HIV positive diagnosis. After his disclosure I felt comfort- able enough to disclose my status, too. I could no longer keep this news buried deep inside me.
BEFORE I COULD DO IT, I HAD TO ANSWER THE FIVE W’S: 1. Who am I disclosing to? 2. Why am I disclosing? 3. When should I disclose? 4. Where is the best place to have the conversation? 5.What is the expected outcome of my disclosure?
Soon after that conversation, I felt the responsibility to share my status
POSITIVE DISCLOSURE
As a child, I had a great passion for music, art and fashion. I would break
into my mother’s sewing machine and make myself lavish ballroom gowns. Although my mother’s profession was in the fashion industry, my parents never approved of my “fashionable”
demeanor...it wasn’t appropriate behavior for a boy. Soon after graduating from fashion school, I packed my bags, kissed my mother goodbye, and moved to “The Big Apple,” New York City. After years of struggles and sacrifices, I achieved my goal; I landed my dream job as the Ladies Head Designer for a major NYC outerwear company. It was a new job that came with many perks and a lavish lifestyle…A lifestyle that I quickly found intoxicating. Every night a different party, meeting fascinating people each a new and different experience …and then a different drug. Recreational drug use quickly became my priority and soon took a toll on my career.
with the woman who gave me life - my mother. I gathered my strength and took the plunge head on, walking into my mother’s room and saying, “Mother, I am HIV positive, but don’t worry about my health, I have started to take my medication regiment that will suppress my viral load and I will have a long and healthy life.” My mother’s face went blank, she was frozen and speechless. I spoke to her from the heart, a desperate son pleading to his mother for support. She walked towards me and gave me the biggest hug and said, “You are my son, I love you, and I am here for you always.” On my next HIV doctor’s appointment, my mother accompanied me,
she wanted to educate herself about the disease and learn the facts about my chronic condition. Disclosing my status to my mother, gave me courage to embark on a new chapter in my life. Today, I am sober, back in college studying Psychology and an advocate not only for myself, but for all my HIV positive brothers and sisters. Disclosing my HIV status was a personal and intimate conversation that opened new doors for me. I found strength from compassionate foundations like Radiant Health Centers and support groups like Positive Impact at RADAR in Orange County. I have found myself making amends with my past, by educating the new generation, in public schools and as a positive public speaker about HIV and HIV-prevention. Disclosing my HIV status to my mother was the hardest, yet most liberating thing I have done for myself. To this day, she is my biggest support system. Remember, whether you are the person disclosing your status or on the other end, the message should be received with compas- sion and love. The best way to stop the stigma around HIV, is to talk about it. We need to re-educate ourselves and those around us, so together we can end the HIV epidemic. Love yourself, get tested, know your status, respect human life and may God bless all of you.
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RAGE monthly | APRIL 2018
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