12 San Diego Reader April 20, 2017
Walter
Mencken’s
SD ON THE QT Freeing the Freeway
Mayor Faulconer praises clean, relatively speedy solution to recent jumper-related closure of Interstate 5
Mayor Faulconer: “The events of March 31 should serve as a stark and stirring reminder to the citizens of San Diego of the sanctity of unimpeded freeway travel. It’s sobering to realize how something so pre- cious can suddenly be snuffed
out by circumstances we can neither predict nor control. I just want to take this oppor- tunity to express, on behalf of all San Diegans who own cars, a deep gratitude toward all the various agencies and city employees who worked
Black Panthers Attack White Lion
Recently reformed activist group denounces “sanctuary for a privileged minority.”
White refuge owner defends action, insists she judges animals “not on the color of their fur, but on the content of their circumstances.”
Lions, Tigers, and Bears, an ani- mal sanctuary in East County, was recently offered three trained lions by an owner who wanted them to have a better life: two sisters and Louis, a rare white lion. “We’re happy to be able to take them,” says the sanctuary’s owner and founder, Billie Blank. “That’s our mis- sion here: to care for rescued exotic animals of all kinds.”
But not everyone is cele-
Louie the white lion at the Lions, Tigers, and Bears animal sanctuary in Alpine. White lions hail from South Africa, which for more than 40 years practiced apartheid, a system of racial discrimina- tion and segregation.
brating. “Louie and his harem are getting a brand-new, $350,000 habitat,” said Ran- dall Outrage of the San Diego Black Panthers. “I don’t see any brand new habitats for the brown bears they’ve got there, if you know what I’m saying. Personally, I find the very idea that a white alpha preda- tor needs any kind of sanctu- ary in Trump’s America, well, outrageous. Maybe if Ms. Blank extended her rescue efforts to the thou- sands of feral cats that are regularly preyed upon by coyotes in the wilderness, I’d be more impressed. But I guess that’s just how it is: nobody cares about the little cat when the big cat’s around.”
’round the clock to resolve this situa- tion and re-open the crucial inter- change of the 5 and the 8 — as crucial to our magnificent city of millions as a life-saving heart surgery would be to a mere individual human being. And I think I speak for them when I say to you that the best thing you can do right now is turn to someone you love, look them in the eye, and say, ‘Let’s get in the car and drive.’”
Clockwise from top: An emergency response team investigates the source of the recent traffic disturbance and seeks to remove it; the blood-red marks on a Google traffic map of the scene; our grateful and freedom-loving mayor
Almost factual news
President Praises Practice Painting
Trump: New
Chicano Park mural “a good first attempt.”
President Trump: “Sal Barajas’s mural gets a lot of things right. I like how the ICE agent is grabbing the money-minded cartel kingpin by the throat and making him give his money to the crying woman whose family he prob- ably murdered. I like the slogan, ‘No More Deaths’ — it’s part of why I want to build the wall. Did you see where there were more than 900 homicides in Tijuana last year? That’s a record! I need those bad hombres to stay on that side of the border. And I like the crosses associated with the slogan, ‘Love has no borders.’ I couldn’t agree more, and I applaud the efforts of Christian organizations to provide aid and comfort to suffering souls. But while love has no borders, law does, and so government has to do its job. Maybe Mr. Barajas can do another mural on my new wall, one that makes it even clearer that good fences make good neighbors.”
JAMES LOVELACE DEATH EDITION
In Captain America: The First Avenger,
Chris Evans plays a patriotic American who is transformed into a super soldier after he is injected with a special liquid.
According to wit- nesses, James
Lovelace was a patriotic American and Navy SEAL candidate who was transformed into a corpse after being repeatedly dunked underwater.
In Good Morning Viet-
nam, Bruno Kirby played a desperately unfunny man who nevertheless declared, “In my heart, I know I am funny.”
Navy Special Warfare spokesman Capt.
Jason Salata explained that no action “is being taken on anyone in connec- tion with this case,” despite the San Diego medical examiner rul- ing Lovelace’s death a homicide.
After being cast in Bachelorette,
Rebel Wilson refused to do a scene that celebrated the euphoric feeling of bulimia.
James Lovelace’s
sister Lynsi Price says the NCIS ruling makes her sick to her stomach.
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