RED GREEN
Scare those burglars away
RED GREEN
www.redgreen.com There’s a lot of controversy about people
owning guns. I don’t really want to get into that, but I do feel there’s an advantage to making thieves think you have a gun in your home, even if you don’t. Here are a few things you can do to make
the bad guys consider moving on to a neighbor’s house: • Hang a car engine from a tree in your front yard.
Quote of the Day “Live by the sword, die by the sword. Live by the distillery, die by the weekend.”
– Red Green
• Have a welcome mat that says “God Bless the NRA”.
• Have an empty holster dangling from the doorknob.
• Have a few powder burns around the peephole.
• Sprinkle the sidewalk with empty shell casings.
• Have a small headstone on your front lawn that says “For Sparky, with regret”.
HIGH TECH FOR POMPOUS BLOWHARDS Have you ever noticed that some people
really feel a need to show you how successful they are? Especially if they sense that you may be falling behind in that area? I know a guy like that. He’s always
talking about his new boat or showing up in a fancy new car or planning an exotic vacation somewhere for himself and the first cheerleader who answers the ad. These people are always hard to avoid and
impossible to ignore. And since physical assault is frowned on and can sometimes backfire, I’ve come up with a cutting edge high-tech way to get back at these pompous blowhards. Let’s say this guy buys a $10,000 top-of-the-
70 BOUNDER MAGAZINE
line garden tractor with a double bagger and a hydraulic blade. Privately, you go on the Internet and get all the information you can on that particular make
and model. Find the chat group for it and ask if anybody has had any problems with theirs. Forward all the responses to Mr. Smartypants. If you’re not getting enough bad news, try
starting an anonymous rumour on the Web site bulletin board. Something like: “I find my tractor impossible to start, and it leaks oil and gas. It’s also top-heavy and often tips over in the wind. I’m worried about my dog. Has anybody else had problems?” You’ll be amazed at how people will
suddenly find things wrong with their tractor. It’s like listing side effects on a medicine bottle. Forward all those messages to your pal. Then for the crowning touch, after six
months of product sabotage through rumour and innuendo, look up the make and model on e-bay and see how much the price has dropped. Don’t just forward that message to your buddy. Print it off and slip it into a sympathy card.
STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF AS HUMAN Looking at old pictures of yourself can be
very depressing. The trim body, the clear eyes, even the complexion are all gone now. The only smooth skin you have left is where your hair used to be. The problem comes from your perception
of aging as a linear process. At one point many years ago, you were at the peak of your abilities, and you’ve been depreciating ever since. That’s because you think of yourself as a human being. Instead, I suggest you think of yourself as
a reverse insect. You start out as a beautiful butterfly, flying high and doing all the things that beautiful butterflies do, and then you evolve into another form. Tell people you’re not an old worn-out
butterfly, you’re a brand-new caterpillar. It would be foolish to continue trying to be a butterfly. Your job now is to be a great caterpillar. And that bulge around your middle is just the remains of your cocoon.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? I’m a football fan. I don’t have any favorite team or even players. I enjoy the game and good plays by either side. Mainly I watch the refs. These guys have no padding, they’re never off the field, they run on every play, and here’s the best part: They’re about five years older than me. I don’t know how that happens, but I’m really looking forward to it.
www.bounder.ca
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80