by angelica osborne HALLOWEEN IS HERE! YAY! Is Halloween really a national holiday? Or, is it just a day for “straights” to
experience the joys of being in drag without the stigma? Perhaps, it’s a time for all of us to work out our issues with our alter-egos? A time when you can be a super hero, your long lost dream-career as a sexy cop, or even exercising some demons with a bloody zombie getup? What is chosen, sure can tell you a lot about a person! As an example, I have a friend who every year, when our group starts plan-
ning Halloween, suggests gnomes—every single year. Even though we have said “no” over and over, she tries to work it into whatever the other sugges- tions might be. If someone says, “We should all be Disney villains,” then she’ll say, “gnome Disney villains!” Or, if someone suggests the cast of Les Miserables (which, I still think would be funny!), she’ll say “Yes! Gnome Les Miserables!” The result of which, ends in deadly stares from all around. I finally asked her, “What is your deal? Do you really want to see your 6’4”, 280-pound boyfriend dressed as a ginormous gnome?” To which she instantly replied, “Oh, yeah baby!” As she humped the air. One of my BFFs of seven years, has a gnome fetish and I didn’t even know! Is sex with a gnome even a thing? (Shudder…) She literally wants Travelocity’s Gnome to take her “all around the world!”
Geez, you think you know people. I guess that’s one of the reasons we love Halloween so much isn’t it? If you’re a scrawny dude the rest of the year, it’s one night you can actually strap on some fake muscles with that He-Man suit and it’s totally appropriate! Or, if you’re the type of guy that wears the same khaki shorts, with a T-shirt and a baseball cap, year round, Halloween night is the one night you can finally let your inner Miley [Cyrus] out and show the world that fabulous disco queen deep inside! Even if your inner queen isn’t “out” to your family, Halloween is the one time you can post drag pix, as you turn that shit out. If the family sees it, all they’ll say is, “Oh look at little Jerry, he is so funny! He is dressed up as a girl for Halloween!” That’s normal… nothing to be alarmed about... (as the white… err… pink elephant makes itself comfy on the living room rug). I have to admit though; my friend might be onto something. This might be a
great way to get your lover to role-play for a night and fulfill that secret fantasy. You know, the one you’ve secretly harbored of getting it on with a Minion or Austin Powers, a sexy SWAT team member or a giant piece of bacon… or Dracula. Maybe a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or the other green guy, Hulk, or a Power Ranger, maybe Luigi from Mario Brothers or one of the Duck Dynasty
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guys! (Please, let there be a gay couple, wearing Duck Dynasty costumes and making out all night in them—with pictures to post!) It’s Halloween! No one will think it’s weird if you say, “Hey babe, could you keep that Where’s Waldo costume on? Just once, I want to find
Waldo...in my bed!” Okay, okay, maybe that one’s a little weird, even on Halloween. But, I bet you’d totally get away with it! If you want to be bitchy and totally get away with it, go as Cruella de Vil!
Everyone will probably just think, “Wow, he’s really in character!” Wanna be totally comfy and stoned all night? Go as “The Dude!” Want to be bossy and have people respect your authority? Try the sexy policeman from the Village People! Make it work for you, honey. Let’s take advantage of the only holiday where you can be yourself! Well, at least your other “real self....” Add in a nice bowl filled with lubricants, condoms, some leather and linge- rie items and some dick-pops, as treats for your tricks!
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