BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
VIRGOAug 24 - Sep 23 As you’re into your hippy shit you’ll be pleased to hear I’ve done some research and it turns out your birthstone is sapphire (which a fellow hippy has decided means ‘clear thinking’) while your birth flower is morning glory (I shit ye not). I believe it is blatantly clear what you’re thinking about…you fancy getting your own invasive weed involved in some mucky business. As you also don’t believe in washing I warn you the business may be muckier than usual. Lucky day: September 12th
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Bored?! Welcome to the club but, just so you know, amusing yourself by shutting away family members to create your own version of Big Brother is not received too well by the police, particularly in Austria. Lucky day: September 10th
SCORPIOOct 24 - Nov 22 Tank you Scorpio for dedicating yourself this month to the wonders of Special Brew. Too long has it stood alone behind store counters to be only selected by vagrants… this is the same drink that was made by the Danes for Sir Winston Churchill dang- nabbit! Indeed, we shall drink on the beaches, we shall drink at the football ground, we shall drink in the fields and down Magdalen Street, we shall spew our pavement pizza about the place because we are British and we are consistently D- runk. Lucky day: September 30th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Ahoy Matey! After your successful-ish celebration of South Korea’s ‘Liberation Day’, this month you are overcome with joy to find that the 19th of this month is both ‘International Talk like a Pirate Day’ and Japan’s ‘Respect for the Aged Day’. So grab a noggin of rum, give your hawsehole a scrub and go and respect some Asian elders. “Konichi-garr ye have some nice saggy tits.” Lucky day: September 9th
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Be warned the impending breakdown of your relationship; “it’s not you, it’s the other person I’m having a go on”. Sure you’ll accept it and respond in a graceful manner by smashing the place up but after the anger has subsided you’ll begin shivering and hyperventilating, just as any well-adjusted human being would do. Chill out…you’d only been going out a week. Lucky day: September 27th
10 /September 2011/
outlineonline.co.uk
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Tere is impending disaster awaiting you this month when you make the rookie’s error of visiting the lavatory and deliver your payload before discovering that your housemate forgot to buy toilet roll. Now you are faced with some choices, you could have gone au natural and attempted to just shake it off but as you’re a vindictive knob you opt for your housemate’s flannel. Just play it cool when they ask you about their new greeny brown moustache. Lucky day: September 13th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Ah I’ve always liked you Pisces, you don’t give me all the shit the other signs do, however, after conforming to social norms you decide to form a band. Aside from the fact you sing like a retarded monkey and play guitar like an epileptic you think you’re the best thing since the Tamagotchi. Unfortunately onstage you’re going to die more times than your virtual friend. Give it up, no-one likes lounge music. Lucky day: September 25th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Frustrated by the lack of action you’re getting at the moment this month you turn your attention to matchmaking. Unfortunately the only eligible bachelor you can get hold of is old “Rapey Stabby” Gary from work. Face it you’re no Cilla Black, no matter how annoying your voice is. Lucky day: September 4th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Ok crazy face I think it’s time to dial down your obsession with Lady Gaga. Dressing up in streaky bacon and sausages when you go for your weekly shop is weird enough but getting suicidal over the fact you were outbid on EBay for a signed photo of her huge nose is sick,
don’t forget there are people out there with real problems like pale skin and a lack of hair products. It’s ok pasty our thoughts are with you. Lucky day: September 23rd
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 A near death experience involving Cilit Bang causes you to reassess your life’s priorities and alarmingly, instead of thanking the medical staff that pulled shards of Barry Scott out of your face, you start shouting about your close encounter with Jesus…personally I’d phone the police, that filthy bastard has allegedly touched more people than Michael Jackson. Too soon? Lucky day: September 17th
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Your danger wanking habit lands you in trouble this month after you attempt to find out how many times you can blow your beans before you get served in McDonalds. A ferocious stint of whacking off causes you to briefly pass out and face the indignity of being asked to leave. Seriously if you come out of that place looking pervier than Ronald you need to question yourself. Lucky day: September 1st
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 September beckons unfamiliar sensations and you will be beset by strange new feelings…oh yes Leo, happiness has finally decided to smear itself all over your ugly jowly countenance. Not knowing quite what to do with the goofy grin you’ve developed, you look to counter the ailment by watching multiple Eastenders omnibuseseses. I defy anyone not to become a miserable shite after that. Lucky day: September 21st
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