By Diana Dworin
Pass the faith
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ I
Apologizing to kids teaches forgiveness, reconciliation skills
t was a long day at work and a slog of a commute home. Your nerves are frayed. As you walk through the door, the kids come yelling at full volume, demanding your attention. At stressful times like this, parents aim to keep their
cool with their children—but they sometimes come up short-tempered. Even the most patient moms or dads can overreact, raise their voices, misjudge situations and say things they wind up regretting. It’s not unusual for parents to look back at these times and ask themselves: “Should I tell the kids I’m sorry?” “A lot of parents wonder about when or whether they should apologize to their kids, but there’s not a single answer that’s right for each family, each time,” said Dana Larson, a parent educator and case manager at Cross- roads Family Resource Center in Toledo, Ohio, which is affiliated with Lutheran Social Services of Northwestern Ohio.
Some parents hesitate to say “I’m sorry” because they fear it will undermine their authority. Other moms or dads struggle with their expectations of themselves as parents—and when they fail to live up to those stan- dards, it often feels easier to ignore mistakes than admit being wrong.
But when parents apologize to their kids and seek
forgiveness, they teach valuable lessons in how to love, respect and reconcile with others, Larson said. “Kids have the ability to see that it’s OK to admit when you’ve done something wrong,” she said. “You help show them how to step up to the plate and make repairs.” Moms and dads help make amends with their children
when they: • Apologize in meaningful ways. Be sin- cere, look at the situation from your child’s point of view and speak from the heart. Concentrate on the offense rather than yourself. Specifically ask for forgiveness, which helps you tie in core Christian values that are shared with other faith traditions. • Identify triggers. Inventory the types of situations within your family that push your buttons. Think ahead to how you might handle things differently next time. When you find yourself in trigger moments, recognize that you’re more vulnerable to saying or doing things you might later regret. Give yourself a “time-out” to cool down and look at the situation more rationally, Larson said. Talk with your spouse or partner for support and, if your temper flares regularly, consider seeking help from a counselor or pastor.
DESIGNPICS
Now what? ‘Shhhh. Later.’
Q: My son, 9, likes to start conversations with me during Sunday morning worship—especially when it’s quiet. How can I encourage him to better honor my need for worship and prayer? A: Kids enjoy their parents’ attention, whether they’re in church or not. It’s often helpful for children to have items in the pew to occupy their hands and minds, such as a drawing pad or pipe cleaners to shape into designs. Take time to engage your child in a conversation about why you worship and explain why your focus can’t remain solely on him. Worship is about expressing the relationship you have with God and growing in your connection with Christ. By framing worship in relational terms, you help your child realize that you’re giving your attention to Christ— and he may better understand that his behavior keeps you from spending time with God. Share your opinion or story at
www.thelutheran.
org. Send questions to diana@passthefaith. org.
Lutheran mom
Dworin, 41, is a mother of three and a former parenting magazine editor.
January 2012 41
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