poz and effect by paul montero If you’ve ever analyzed a person’s behavior patterns, HUSH!
KEEP IT DOWN, NOW. VOICES CARRY.
“Reactively Judgemental” Paul: *takes a moment to view result* So, according to this quiz that asked me exactly zero questions, 100 years ago I’d be white? “Sanctimoniously Rational” Paul: Uh, duh. Remember how Abuelito proudly maintained that his own father was a stout, dark Native Mexican man who literally stole a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Spaniard girl and made her his bride? “Sarcastic Cynic” Paul: Oh great, our choices are: be known as a genealogical teller-of-tall-tales or convince people that the entire Southern California branch of our extended family is a product of long-term historical rape that, in today’s society, would result in multiple felonies. Way to massively blur the gray area of ethical courtship practices there, Señor Vera-Leòn. “Poetically Tragic” Paul: It’s just as well that we turned out gay. What streaks of genetic gold could we possibly hope to ever have contributed to anyone’s bloodline? Why do we even bother to take these hurtful quizzes? Why “Solo en Español” Paul: ¡No sean necios! (Don’t be daft)! “Mentally Exhausted” Paul: Shut your traps. All of you! I refuse to spend another torturous eight waking hours reviewing every single perceived mistake we’ve collectively made throughout the day. In the morning, we’ve got 24 hours worth of errands over which to agonize whether or not we’ll follow through like we said we would! “Introspective Clarity” Paul: But maybe that’s precisely why we caught HIV. Maybe in our throes of reckless abandon with that joke of a longshoreman back in 2007, we fully expected to end up stagnating in our own inertia, sitting in a cold, dark room talking to…myself. We all have a Greek chorus like this going on in our heads at many points throughout the day. Though for some of us, the psychological noise that runs 24/7, sounds less like a chorus and more like a mindless mob. So many opinions clawing for attention, ironically drowned out by the very volume fueling them all. It doesn’t feel very good to realize that even in a room in which everyone gets your type of humor, you still manage to bring the mood crashing down. But it’s no wonder, when considering the possibility that on some sub-conscious level, you CHOSE to become HIV-positive.
38 RAGE monthly | JANUARY 2016
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE LOOKED LIKE 100 YEARS AGO? CLICK HERE FOR YOUR RESULT!”
you’re familiar with the ones whose unfortunate situations repeat themselves again and again. You’re also likely to have placed them in a box labeled, “Lost cause, logic does not compute.” In actuality, the situation is far more complex than your imperious prognosis implies. After years of identifying as the most hopelessly lost of any cause ever conceived, I took an Internet quiz that changed my life. The Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator classifies human personalities into 16 types based on sensory intake, learning, imagination and decision-making. On one extreme of the behavioral spectrum are the self-appointed champions of society, ESTJ (Extroverted Sensing Thinking Judging): presidents, CEOs, the alpha dog, the Big Man on Campus we secretly admired when we weren’t busy hating him. Trite phrases were written with this type in mind. Shit or get off the pot…Shoot first, ask questions by appointment and only because the law requires it. Running the world comes easy to this type because basically taking center stage without a second thought to asking first is the quickest way to attract the spotlight. On the extreme opposite end…is me: INFP (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceptive). At our best, we’re the go-to people for an emotional shot in the arm. Keenly perceptive of subtext, almost empathic to a degree, INFPs look for solutions to life’s obstacles that facilitate individual expression where one-size-fits-all templates fall short. We’re your counselors, caretakers, curators and college professors, to make ends meet at least. “Dreamer” and “artist” are what people call us on the rare occasion that we’re lost in the creation of something we love and someone is on a close enough wavelength to notice. At our worst, we’re the flakey, unfocused screw-up with a housefly’s attention span whose decisions are seemingly spurred on by a panicky society of depressed 10-year-olds… which brings me to my point. HIV is a life-changer that affects, by a frightening majority, introverted people in emotional distress. Of course, the virus itself obeys no psychological boundaries, but we emotion-driven chorus-heads perceive sex to be much more of a wonderfully tender gesture the fewer barriers there are be- tween partners, latex or otherwise. I know, not the healthiest decision…clearly. But I’ve heard this escapist sentiment from countless poz guys who were in a very dark place at the time they seroconverted. That is why even at age 25, I connected much better with men who had been positive for as long as I had been alive. So…armed with this psychological atlas, reviewing the multi-car pile-up of a life that my unwittingly, emotional self barely survived, I can now translate the foggy road ahead of me into an endeavor worth taking. I don’t much mind anymore the backseat chatter that once brought me to a grinding halt. I’m grateful to live in an age when I can refer to my Greek chorus without being committed to a sanitarium… If I could only get the voices to concur on finding a way to steal myself a man-bride.
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