The Best New Band In Britain and why The Stone Roses will not be reforming


I feel sorry for new bands. Time was that every three or four weeks the cover of NME would be adorned by a picture of a group of shaggy-haired blokes wearing jeans and trainers beneath the headline ‘Best New Band In Britain’. It wouldn’t matter much if it were true, because the main point of NME was to keep repeating this phrase about every new band until by dint of the law of averages they said it and it was true.


Of course, your chances of being called the ‘Best New Band In Britain’ are not as high as I am making out. Your band’s chances depend on a number of factors, very few of which are to do with actually being a good band. The odds increase exponentially if you are:


(a) blokes: not just male, you have to be a ‘bloke’, and have an unmistakable whiff of ordinariness about you.


(b) white: you might be allowed one non- white band member, but any more and NME will think you’re probably an R’n’B act.


(c) shaggy-haired: maximum one curly-head or baldy or crew cut, but preferably all of your members should have the same nondescript one-cut-every-three-months mop.


(d) your sound must be based around guitar, bass and drums - you are allowed a keyboard player or a girl, but this musn’t be the same person, unless you are Pulp.


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(e) heavy-drinking, and preferably with at least one member having a semi-serious problem with illegal drugs; this is, of course, in no way cool, but increases the likelihood of your band conforming to the archetypal rock’n’roll narrative arc.


(f) Northern; you don’t have to be actually from the north, but it helps to have some kind of regional accent that makes you sound like you probably like fighting, football and calling girls ‘birds’; if you are southern, or can’t pretend you’re not middle-class, you can skip this step by supporting Coldplay and being ridiculed by your Uni mates who write for NME, offsetting


the general public


perception that you are ‘bland’, ‘mediocre’ and ‘wet’ with your ‘soaring’ choruses, sessions on Jo Whiley’s show and your bulging bank balance.


(g) you must wear a jacket, preferably some kind of cagoule… this rule is non-negotiable; NME readers will not believe you are in a band if you don’t have your coat on, even inside, though


generally, you will be


photographed in some kind of ‘gritty’ urban environment.


(h) there is no (h); if your band has another interesting aspect, like beards, or a person who used to be in another band, this is of course an advantage, but don’t get too carried away with quirkiness.


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