C o m m u n i t y
From the Other Side of the Fence
Daniel Ketelaar
Too often, RAF partners are assumed to be female and British. Here a male, Dutch partner of a serving RAF NCO offers an insight to his life as ‘a husband of’...
I
t’s a good thing to try and find out how other people might feel about certain subjects or in certain situations. In general sitting down,
thinking about it and perhaps adding a few well thought through questions directed at the right person would do the trick. If you were to trade places however, you would get an in-depth experience and might find some things that you never thought about before suddenly have become very influential or boundary-setting for your situation.
Last Thursday I went to Mums and Tots with my wife, my two and a half year old and our new born baby. It had been a while since I’d last gone to the St Aidens Centre at RAF Lossiemouth and sitting there and seeing the women chatting and their children playing made me think of last year and my position as ‘husband of’.
Last year, my wife who is a Corporal FOA, was sent to the Falklands at short notice and our childminder left for Oman at the same time. This didn’t leave us an awful lot of time to arrange for all kinds of things that pop up when being a single parent for a period of time. The first few weeks after she had left I had a hard time dealing with childcare and my commitment to my job as bar manager of a renowned whisky bar in Speyside. Although I got a lot of help from the grandparents, unfortunately I had to say goodbye to my job in the end.
After my wife returned and everything went back to normal, the time had come to find a job again. This proved harder than I initially
www.raf-ff.org.uk
thought. Even finding just a job, not focussed on career or growth is not the simplest of things in the area we live in. The fact that I didn’t finish my studies and being a foreign national makes it perhaps even more tough but speaking to other ‘husbands and wives of’ I hear the same complaint as well as other difficulties such as compliance of English and Scottish regulations regarding jobs, for example in the NHS.
Although I’d been in the Royal Netherlands Air Force for quite a while before I met my wife and I took the decision to join her instead of her joining me, it took me some time to get used to my dependant-status. A big help is that I understand the RAF language because of my background and therefore also have an insight in to the framework in which an organisation as the RAF operates.
One of the biggest areas that I found of concern is that, in some publications the spouse is spoken about in the third person female (she). At most organised gatherings I attended I was the only male present. When speaking to several officials I noticed the subject of being the ‘husband of’, with a wish to have a career, raised their eyebrows as if they were just introduced to a completely new concept. Everything seems to be focussed on the standard idea of a family: Husband in the RAF, wife at home looking after the children. But when your family has got a different constellation this means that you have to overcome a few hurdles and objections before you find the support you are in need of. Please do not misunderstand me, the use of free facilities, a safety net when needed, nice ‘do’s’,
living in the Mediterranean and even the opportunity to visit the Southern Hemisphere is part of the package of perks.
In conclusion, I can say that being the ‘husband of’ has its up and downs. All the extras that are offered makes life a lot easier in some respects and belonging to the RAF community gives a good feeling. It really puts your mind at rest knowing that when the going gets tough there is a safety net to help you manage. However, because of the somewhat inflexible and old fashioned view of the RAF on what a family is and what families need it can make it more challenging to manage in times of need. Especially when family and friends are far away and immediate care and support is needed.
I live in the belief that everybody is responsible for him or herself and the ones that they choose to be responsible for, but this does not rule out that when you are committed to an organisation, whether through employment or through your spouse, this organisation has a responsibility to accommodate and care in the best way possible. This means that our responsibility as families is to feed the organisation with information regarding our wishes, wants and needs and that the organisation has got a responsibility to alter, amend and instate rules and regulation on family support to the best of their ability.
It would be great to get in contact with other ‘husbands of’. If you are interested in linking up please email me on
ketelaardaniel@yahoo.co.uk
Autumn 2010 43
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