F e a t u r e s
OUTBURST from Mrs H Are IPQs oCan you hear me dear?n the RAF training Syllabus… M
rs H contemplates the latest irritations of family life
Did anyone mention that an essential part of RAF basic training (for blokes, any rank) includes the installation of several IPQs (Irritating Personal Qualities)? For example:
Being a patronising wotsit It’s astonishing that when we met, I was a fully qualified air traffic controller. Now apparently, I’m neither capable of loading the dishwasher properly or cutting a loaf of bread.
Being stubborn beyond stupidity He’s had four hours sleep after night flying, but seemingly he’s still the better driver.
Culinary skills……not Despite best efforts by his mummy dearest before leaving home, all skills in the kitchen seem to have evaporated – unless of course, it’s the BBQ: which of course I have to shop for, prep for, make salads for, lay the table for and make a pudding for; at which point, he’ll grandly enquires if I enjoyed my night off cooking.
20 Autumn 2010
Ability to sleep anytime, anyplace, anywhere… …loudly, with unpleasant bodily sound effects. Most often seen on entering his mother-in-law’s house, or when it’s time to get tea for the children.
Requirement for ‘er indoors to mind-read at all times… Thereby anticipating his every need and to be able to find lost items immediately. This may range from essential work items to a missing sock. She is presumed to know their whereabouts at all times and in fact pre-empt his attempt to find them through her mind-reading skills.
Dumping of damp, worn sports kit on the hall floor And leaving said shorts as some sort of interesting talking point. If not removed by herself, likely to remain and moulder for some weeks.
Reverting to childhood Men have a capacity to revert to cringingly boring/ embarrassing adolescent behaviour when in a like-minded group. Behaviour most likely to be exhibited on the dance floor at the summer ball or when propping up the mess bar. Blah blah blah.
SOS …Lost wife Unchanging ability to lose his wife/partner at all social functions, while supposedly popping to the bar to fetch her a drink. The resulting time lapse may last from 10 minutes to 2 hours. Offender returns with the useful comment, “Oh sorry I lost you, couldn’t find you anywhere – I’ve been looking for you for half an hour”. Which is strange, because you’re sitting exactly where he parked you.
Irritating T-shirt fetish It is the requirement of all men to purchase foul t-shirts on every detachment, and then try and stuff the new item in a drawer full of the previous 452 purchases. If the t-shirt is North Face/Animal/ any other trendy label, so much the better.
Lightweight
He wanders out the door carrying his jumper and mobile, leaving you to carry a handbag, rucksack, blanket, bucket and spade picnic etc etc. He then asks when you get there, if you remembered the thermos? I can think where I could shove that.
Rant over!
www.raf-ff.org.uk
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