Column
Growing Concerns
A parenting
question-and-answer
column
Question: My sister and I get “Oh, I like the way you're giving your cousin a turn,” will
together often with our kids probably make both children eager to get that positive
who are both almost 3, but the attention from their mother and their aunt.
kids bicker all the time over As the children get older, encourage perspective taking –
By Dr. Martha Erickson
toys, food -- anything -- you seeing through another person’s eyes. For example, when you
name it. They seem totally see them getting into a battle over something, ask them, “How
unable to share with each other. Is there anything we can do? do you think he feels when you won’t let him play with that?”
or “How do you feel when someone won’t share their snack
Answer: I can imagine how frustrating it is for you and your with you?” Perspective taking is an important step on the way
sister to deal with this bickering when you're trying to have a to caring relationships with others, in which sharing becomes
nice visit. But 3-year-olds are just not mature enough for the natural and comfortable thing to do.
sharing to come naturally. Young children are by nature self-
centered, so they tend to want everything -- food, toys and Question: We recently moved and our 7-year old son
attention -- all to themselves, with little or no regard for the started second grade in a new school. Initially he seemed
other child’s needs. It takes several years of maturation and excited about the new friends he made and even invited
experience for children to learn to take another’s feelings into some boys over after school. However, now he refuses to
account. At three, children are just moving toward the age have anyone over because he’s embarrassed about his
when they can grasp the concept of sharing. And the idea of 4-year-old brother, who has Down syndrome. Apparently the
sharing and taking turns must be taught by example, other kids teased him about his brother after they came over,
guidance and repetition. Even as young children learn the and now we’re not sure if we should push the issue or just
concept of sharing, their own desire for power often stands in let it go.
the way of using what they know. One of the most common
ways to establish power is by staking out your turf – you know, Answer: Kids can be cruel, and unfamiliarity is often at the
“Mine, mine, mine!” root of the cruelty. But this situation presents you with a good
Although it won’t happen quickly, there are steps you can opportunity to teach your son some important skills, raise
take to help the children learn to share and develop awareness among his classmates and, in doing so, pave the
compassion and generosity. way to a smoother future for both of your sons.
• In your own interactions with your child, consciously I’d suggest you start by helping your son learn and practice
demonstrate and describe sharing. For example, at snack time, what to say when people tease him about his brother. Give
say, “Let’s share this piece of fruit. Here’s a slice for you and him simple words and phrases to describe how Down
here’s one for me.” Or, when building with blocks, say, “Here, syndrome affects his brother, and then use role-play (with you
you take a turn and put this one on, then I'll put one on. We're playing the part of the teasers) to let him practice how to stay
sharing the blocks.” calm and positive even when people tease him.
• Model sharing in your behavior with others. At home, look It also would be wise to engage your son’s teacher in
for opportunities to share things with your husband. Or, when helping the class learn about individual differences and
you and your sister are together, make it a point to do some disabilities. You also could reach out to the parents of the boys
sharing, describing it as you do so. Three-year-olds are great who came to your home, letting them know that you’re trying
observers and imitators! to help the kids become more knowledgeable about and
• Recognize and praise sharing behavior whenever you see comfortable with your younger son’s disability. The other
it. Or, as I often say, “Catch the children being good.” A simple, parents may know nothing about the teasing, and probably
74 March 2009 |
www.siparent.com
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