I have to go to the rink today?’ you can remind them that they do not have to go, they get to go to the rink. It is a gift. If they continue to complain, maybe it really isn’t their sport.” Figure skating is an admittedly expensive and time-consuming sport, and it is easy to get caught up in wanting your child to have compet- itive success. Few sports have an individual rank- ing or results sheet posted immediately following each competitive event. Resist the urge to com- pare your child to everyone else and make judg- ments about your skater’s talent and potential and where that might lead.
Each child is an individual, and children ma-
ture at different times. It is difficult to tell early on who is going to have the most long-term success in the sport based on the results of a few competi- tions when children are young. What is important for young athletes is skill
development, skill mastery and developing a good attitude. If your child never won another medal, think about what you want your skater to learn and take away from the sport. Help your child focus only on what he or
she can control. Placing well in a particular com- petition can be an inspirational and exciting goal, but it isn’t a great focus, because there are so many variables in the hands of other people. Skaters can control their own developmental progress, skill mastery and attitude, and as a result, the ability to attain high placements one day. As a parent, you can help by modeling your own focus on these controllable areas. Focus on the process and im- provement rather than the result. Demonstrate your interest in what your child is learning, how he or she is progressing and what your athlete en- joys about skating. Offer encouragement in those areas.
“I love to relate stories of Charlie’s early skat- ing, because I find them inspiring for myself,” Jacqui said. “Charlie wasn’t always the top of the class in his early skating years. He didn’t gradu- ate out of every Basic Skills class the first time through, but he did have a love for the work, the practice and the details of learning a new skill. He never lost that love for the process — the desire to see improvement and the willingness to stay with it until he achieved his goal. And it’s funny, that as his parents, we didn’t know at that early age how important his attitude was and would be for the rest of his skating career. We learned from watch- ing the results of his approach to really encourage him to be positive and continue to work in the moment to the best of his ability.” “One story of not being able to control
everything in your child’s career is the time that Meryl and Charlie were competing in Bulgaria,” Cheryl added. “Teir coach called us to a meeting following an event. Tere, we were told to make the kids look more mature and get them make- overs. Jacqui and I looked at each other, willing to do anything to help, but this did not seem pos- sible. Meryl went through numerous makeovers, Meryl and Charlie both had costumes changed,
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but nothing could speed up time or give them the experience in life they needed to look mature. We learned that some things just need time. Again, focus on what you and your child can control.” One of the hardest things every figure skat-
ing parent has to deal with is watching a child fail. At some point, your skater will fall down and will learn to get back up. Guide your athlete in understanding that it is OK to fail; it’s a normal, valuable part of the process. Not only will it help your skater be more successful long-term, it will be a valuable tool throughout life. It will teach your child about perseverance, humility, how to correct something and improve, strength of char- acter, and most importantly, that one can survive defeat. When your child fails, think about your reaction and what you are modeling to your child. Children are sensitive to the emotions and feelings of their parents. Tey will read your emo- tional undertones and body language, and react to it. If you demonstrate that you are upset about failure, placement or performance, they will be upset, too. Make sure that your skater never feels like he or she must earn your love on the ice. Par- ents who lose control of their emotions or push too hard can contribute to a poor performance in the long run. “We tried to always remember to choose our
words and actions wisely,” Jacqui said. “We found that what we say and do really matters. We found that what comes out of our mouths and how we react is revealing what is stored in our hearts. If you are familiar with the careers of Meryl and Charlie, then you know that they were not always winning, but we always took the time to celebrate after each and every event, no matter what the results were. “We also left the critiques up to the coach-
es. If you haven’t seen Meryl’s fall in the last six seconds of their novice free dance in Los Angeles or Charlie’s falls in 2008 at Cup of Russia, you should really look them up. In the novice free dance, Meryl felt devastated. Nothing we said or
did could make her feel better. Charlie’s grandfa- ther, a wise and wonderful physician, looked at Meryl at our celebration dinner and told her there are reasons to cry and look sad, and this wasn’t one of them. As he spoke softly to her about life and death and illness, she listened. Once again, another lesson learned. In the kiss and cry in Russia, Meryl and Igor (Shpilband) tried to smile and make light of Charlie’s falls. He was already hurting; nothing needed to be said. A touch and a smile was enough. Charlie did not make any ex- cuses or place any blame. He kept his head up. “We were so proud of how he handled him-
self and how Meryl and Igor supported him. We were amazed how the next day they came back with a plan. As Meryl and Charlie stepped onto the ice, they looked at one another and said, ‘One element at a time.’ Tey used this lesson through- out their careers. As parents, we have learned that you really do not have to say anything negative af- ter a fall. Listening and supporting by celebrating the positive always seemed to work for us. Tis was something learned in skating, but carried over into all our daily lives.”
Leading up to the 2014 Olympic Games,
Jacqui and Cheryl were asked, “How do you raise an Olympian?’” Teir answer was that you don’t. “Just like any other parent, your goal is to
just raise a really good kid,” Cheryl said. “Whether or not your child wins medals in their sport, you want them to learn the values that will help make him or her a good person. With Meryl and Char- lie, that’s what we set out to do. It just so happens that those same philosophies and values are the ones that can also help further your kid’s chanc- es of success in sports. Your kid might choose to follow that path, but let it be their sport and let them lead the way to their own success. Empower them, give them the tools and then stand back and be amazed by what they can build.” Coming next month: Success Starts at Home
Part 2: Communication Cheryl Davis and Jacqui White conducted a parents seminar earlier this season in Salt Lake City.
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