healingways
HOW CAN WE ALL GET ALONG?
Resolving conflict benefits mind and body. by Lisa Shumate
“A
significant amount of wear-
and-tear on the body comes from prolonged unresolved conflict— from not letting go, holding grudges and reliving situ- ations over and over in your head,” says Raj Dhasi, a Toronto-based conflict manage- ment consultant who specializes in the physiological impacts of conflict. “But if conflict happens and my mindset is: ‘I can
handle this. We can work through this,’ that is phenomenally beneficial for the brain and body.” Dhasi ex-
plains that when faced with any conflict— whether it’s an angry boss, disgruntled neighbor, political opponent
or untidy teen in the house—our limbic system responds swiftly by igniting a cascade of stress hormones like adrenaline and
cortisol and spiking our heart rate and blood pressure. Meanwhile, our prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for thinking things through and putting the brakes on emotional, irrational behaviors—begins to slowly light up. The fundamental problem is that in the race to mount a response, the limbic system often wins, prompt- ing us to greet conflict impulsively by raising our voice and saying things we later regret before our rational brain has time to step in.
On the flip side, many of us avoid conflict altogether, harboring discon- tent in such a way that we feel power- less or even threatened. Making mat- ters worse, our fight-or-flight response never quite goes away, says Gary Harper, author of The Joy of Conflict Resolution: Transforming Victims, Vil- lains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home. “More people are stressed out by not dealing with a conflict than with dealing with it,” Harper observes. “If you deal with it in the moment, it allows you to let it go.”
Pause, Breathe, Consider Harper advises that one way to deal with conflict on the spot is to pause and give our more rational side a chance to arrive at a solution. “Before you react, slow down, take a deep breath and listen to your inner dia- logue,” he says. “In that deep breath, you might realize that you need five minutes [to consider a response].” If you still remain in attack mode, it might not be the best time to respond. He adds that while no conflict
should be avoided altogether, careful consideration might lead us to con- clude that some battles aren’t worth fighting. Ask yourself: How important is this person to me? How important is this issue to me? “If neither is vital to you, save your energy for a better use. If the issue is not important, but the re- lationship is, it’s okay to accommodate or give in sometimes,” he says.
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Be Direct and Follow-Up Some conflicts are worth confronting. Then, Barbara Pachter, a business com- munications consultant and author of
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