the final reel. It’s cheesy monster melodrama, sure, but that doesn’t make it any less delicious.
PAUL CORUPE
In Italy No One Can Hear You Scream
ALIEN 2: ON EARTH (1980) Blu-Ray/DVD Starring Belinda Mayne, Mark Bodin and Roberto Barrese
Written and directed by Ciro Ippolito Midnight Legacy
While this Italian “sequel” to Alien has previously
been released a couple of times on VHS in order to cash in on the success of Ridley Scott’s legendary ex- traterrestrial horror, Alien 2: On Earth (originally subti- tled Sulla Terra) has never been issued on a digital format until now. The folks at fledgling niche imprint Midnight Legacy decided to make this ultra-obscure spaghetti-splatter outing their inaugural release, tout- ing it as the first-ever widescreen presentation of the film, fully restored from the original 35mm negative and completely uncut. Not surprisingly, the only connection it bears to
Scott’s film is to rip off its ideas. The plot sees a space- craft, which is returning to Earth, scatter a bunch of blue rocks around, one of which ends up in a cave ex- plorer’s backpack just before she plunges deep under- ground with some friends for a weekend of spelunking. But the rocks are actually alien eggs and once they start hatching, they release face-huggers that look like clumps of raw hamburger. Trapped underground, the speleologists start getting picked off by the aliens, which briefly incubate inside of them before bursting out of their chests and faces, leaving nothing but heaps of gore behind. Fans of Italian horror may be thrilled to see Michele
Soavi (Dellamorte Dellamore, The Church) and Mark Bodin (Anthropophagus) in the cast, but about halfway through the film you’ll understand why it has languished in obscurity for so long. The plot is ridicu- lous and painfully slow, the act- ing is beyond atrocious, the gore effects (though plentiful) are goofy and low-budget, and the score is clearly a Goblin rip- off. Yes, this is a wonderfully
presented print, but ultimately Alien 2 is nothing more than a deliberate attempt at commer- cial opportunism that relies on ham-fisted splatter effects, along with a couple of topless scenes. Not even the most pristine transfer in the world can forgive that. Still intrigued? Well, extras on the disc include some alternate and extended takes, a Dutch VHS trailer that
Alien 2: On Earth: Ridley Scott’s masterpiece defaced.
looks as though it’s been passed through somebody’s colon, and some special effects outtakes that are about as interesting as watching paint dry. In space, no one can hear you snore.
LAST CHANCE LANCE Draxsploitation
OLD DRACULA (1975) DVD Starring David Niven, Teresa Graves and Peter Bayliss
Directed by Clive Donner Written by Jeremy Lloyd MGM
One of the most bloodless horror satires to hit
screens, Old Dracula misfires on just about every pos- sible level – as comedy, as horror and even as the tit- illating spot of fun it’s apparently intended to be. Filmed as Vampira but re- named after the success of Young Frankenstein, the new title is almost too accurate – the stale spoof feels behind the times, pairing up a past- his-prime David Niven with a gaggle of Playboy playmates for a racial twist on the age- old vampire tale. In modern-day Transylvania,
Dracula (Niven) has turned his home into a tourist trap, con- tent with draining the occa- sional sightseer’s plasma. But when a group of models arrive for the tamest nude centrefold shoot ever, he recognizes that
one African-American girl (Minah Bird) has a rare blood type that can revive his wife, who has been in a coma since the 1920s. The transfusion succeeds, but also somehow turns Vampira (Teresa Graves) into a
black-skinned vampiress who wants to disco dance, watch blaxploitation movies and bed everyone she sees. Unable to keep up, Ol’ Drac heads to swingin’ London to locate the girls and reverse the effect. UK director Clive Donner made his name on 1960s
comedies such as What’s New Pussycat? and Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush, and Old Dracula isn’t much different – it barely acknowledges that a decade has passed since those sexy comedies were popular. Even then, the script by Laugh-In star Jeremy Lloyd is virtually devoid of laughs and purpose, relying instead on punny sexual innuendo and broad charac- terizations. Three years after audiences got a taste of a rela-
tively serious African-American vampire in Blacula, Old Dracula’s Vampira is treated as little more than a silly novelty here. There’s none of the clever race satire that charged similarly premised films such as Watermelon Man – the race switcheroo has only one function in this film, to set up an obvious “twist” ending in which Niven, having failed to turn Vampira back, appears in badly made-up blackface. You know, just in case anyone in the audience wasn’t vaguely offended yet. Hammer Films ingénues Linda Hayden and Veronica
Carlson keep things interesting for horror fans, and the scenes set in Drac’s cheesy dinner theatre castle – complete with fake thunderstorms and wire-gliding plastic bats – provide scattered moments of fun in this otherwise passé exercise that should have been put out to pasture.
PAUL CORUPE
R E I S S U E S
45RM
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