> If you want a safe bet, choose something grilled.


If food’s covered with sauce, who knows what’s in there? Dodgy restaurants usually overcook meat, so if you pick steak, ask for one rarer than you really want. You can always send it back if it’s too pink.


> Split the bill, not hairs. Please don’t keep me waiting while you argue about who had the chips, passed on ice cream, or needs to leave a tip.


> If your child has a rear end, he needs a


seat. I can’t make a table for two stretch to four.


> Would you eat in a place with filthy toilets? Pay them a visit before you order, while there’s still time to walk out.


> The chef who made his name here left


six months ago. And those rave reviews in the lobby date back to 2003. By all means read what the


critics have to say—just be sure to check the date.


SOURCES: STEVE DUBLANICA, AUTHOR OF WAITER RANT (£7.99) AND RESTAURANT STAFF FROM THE UK AND THE US


> Come for lunch! It’s half the price of dinner and


if you book on a weekday, there’s often a special deal.


> The restaurant with the best view has the


worst food. It doesn’t have to try, does it?


> Email your special requests. Then we’ll have to find you the table by the window you asked for—or give you a free glass of champagne.


> Hang on to the wine bottle. Check the vintage and make sure I open it at the table so you know what you’re getting. Saying that


you’ll pour it yourself stops me refilling your glass so you’ll order more.


> Always check the bill. You won’t know if service


is included or see that I’ve charged for an extra bottle of wine if you don’t. If you’ve had too much to drink, ask the driver in your party to do it for you.


> Beware the specials board. It could be the food we need to use up.


> If you want to eat out on a Saturday night, book a table by Tuesday. If they still have space the day before, ask yourself why.


> Dine out early in the


Dine out early in the week at hard-to-book restaurants. It’s easier to get a table when we’re not busy. And once I identify you as a regular, I’ll fit you in at the weekends when we’re frantic. I might even refill your glass for free.


> Before you ask... the tourist office is first


on the right. The market is on Wednesdays. The nearest bank is 100 yards away. And our toilets are for customers only.


IMAGE SOURCE/ALAMY


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