...save a lifeHOW TO


THE GREY-FACED MAN CLUTCHING HIS CHEST and the woman choking on her pizza could owe their lives to you. All you need is a little knowledge and a willingness to intervene, says St John Ambulance, which reckons that 150,000 lives a year are lost because we hang back. “Give it a go,” urges training manager Clive James. “If someone’s not breathing, they have only four minutes until the brain starts to die—and an ambulance takes at least eight.” Just remember to call 999 too.


1. Passed-out partygoer. Asphyxiation is the most


easily preventable cause of death, says James, so put them on their side in the recovery position. 2. Heart attack at home. Keep aspirin in the


cupboard (Nurofen won’t do). If they turn pale, feel a crushing pain in the shoulder or chest and start sweating, give them 300mg. 3. Horror-film bleeding. Apply pressure to the


wound with a clean cloth and if the blood keeps coming, pile on more cloths. Don’t attempt to remove anything embedded in the wound—work around it. Keep the affected area elevated. 4. Cafe killer. Choking kills around 180 people a


year, but five purposeful slaps on the back are usually enough to dislodge rogue food. 5. No pulse. Shout for a defibrillator—they’re in most shopping malls—and give 30 chest compressions plus two mouth-to-mouth breaths. There’s rarely an instant response, so keep going.


What your waiter won’t tell you


> Home-cooked doesn’t mean home-made. See that “food solutions” van? It’s full of ready-meals for restaurants. You order a Brie-and-redcurrant filo or pasta Napoletana and all we have to do is heat and serve.


> I can’t bear campers. The table’s not yours for the


night. My rule is: the bigger the bill, the longer you stay, so I reckon on 50 minutes for lunch, an hour and a half for dinner. Caesar salad and tap water for two? You’ve got 20 minutes.


> We make money out of side orders. Bread and olives, madam? Chunky chips, sir? And would you like a salad with that? They’re the extras that bump up your bill.


> I love it when you ask for a soft drink. The law makes sure I sell beer, wine and spirits in set measures, but if you ask for orange juice, I choose how much you get.


TOM WOOD/ALAMY


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