ARSEHOLE OF THE MONTH
shit Republican who probably flushed his soul down a toilet bowl when he was still a kid in North Dakota. Did he do it for money? Or was he always the kind of cynical son of a bitch who didn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but himself? Money, it seems, has always
W
been a prime motivator for Armey. After earning a Ph.D in economics from the University of Oklahoma, he took a pro- fessorship at what is now the University of North Texas. But teaching economics is really no substitute for actually going out into the world and stealing—uh, making—money for yourself. So how might this best be done? Armey must have asked himself. The obvious answer: politics!
Given the level of corruption in government, a young man with no conscience could easily pluck the low-hanging fruit and maybe even plant a few money trees of his own. Armey was elected to the
House of Rep re sen tatives in 1984 as part of the Reagan Revolution. By 1995 he was House Majority Leader, using that position to throw his friend and benefactor Newt Gingrich under the bus. Way to go, Dick. Have no loyalty. Honor no commitments. Armey went on to show
his utter contempt for the American people and the democratic process. In 2000, for example, he spearheaded the GOP’s attempt to ridicule Al Gore during his Presidential bid. This smear campaign even claimed Gore said he’d invented the Internet, an outright lie that, unfortunately, many Amer i cans bought into. Armey was also a notorious
lackey of Big Tobacco, and he pushed for the privatization of Social Security. Given the crash of 2008, that would have been a disaster. Bad enough that 401(k)’s took such a hit. Armey’s economics students should get a refund. But the foregoing was just a warmup for his post-Congressio-
hat can you say about Dick Armey? Here’s a piece-of-
we have in healthcare today is too many people are too overinsured.” There’s that numbers thing again. How,
exactly, does being overinsured hurt anybody, Dickie? And who are these overinsured people anyway? Oh, it’s the fat cat poli- ticians. (From our point of view, the real problem in America is there are too many overcom- pensated politicos.) Of course, Armey’s shaky
DICK ARMEY
nal hijinks. As head of the acti vist group FreedomWorks, Armey is currently working overtime to clog the gears of the political pro- cess with his right-wing shit. By financing fake grassroots activism, notably the Tea Party movement, Armey upended any possibility of true political dialogue last sum- mer when Con gress went home to talk to their constituents about healthcare reform. Under his control, Tea Party
members—loaded down with disinformation—were directed to disrupt all Democratic attempts to explain their posi- tion on the subject. (As also evidenced by his support of Big Tobacco, Armey is clearly not concerned with how many Americans die thanks to his deceit and influence.) Additionally, Armey’s
FreedomWorks propagated the lie that Obama was trying to “socialize medicine.” Socialized medicine? Give us a break! The President has been sucking the teat of the healthcare and pharmaceutical industries since day one. Here’s why money may be part
and parcel of Armey’s antics: In 2008 the propagandist received $555,000 from the nonprofit
FreedomWorks. (Nonprofit for FreedomWorks, but plenty profit- able for Armey.) And that doesn’t count the 25 grand a pop he gets in speaking fees and the addition- al hefty sums he receives as a pre- sumed lobbyist for pharmaceuti- cal giant Bristol-Myers Squibb, Metro poli tan Health Net works and other healthcare companies. Armey may not be much of an economist when it comes to help- ing the American people, but he’s awfully good at taking care of his own economic situation. Armey defended his position
on healthcare by saying: “We are a wealthy nation, and there is not much reason that I can justify for anybody who lives within our borders doing with- out essential healthcare.” He’s right! There’s only one reason: the GOP. And there is no justifi- cation for it at all. Armey went on to say: “I’m
happy to tell you that very few people do [lack health insur- ance].” Armey apparently thinks 45 million people is “very few.” We don’t ask a lot from our eco- nom ics professors these days, but they should at least be able to calculate percentages. Here’s another Armey gem: “The largest em piri cal problem
grasp of economics can eas- ily be traced to his expressed belief in the Milton Friedman school of economics. You may know Friedman’s philosophy as “trickle-down economics” or, as George H.W. Bush put it, “voo- doo economics.” (One of the few times Bush Senior was right about anything.) It’s a theory that’s been shunned by all but the filthy rich, who still benefit (at the expense of the working poor) from its implementation. However, what really gets us
about Armey is his stoking fear and hatred of our government, saying things like: “Nearly every important office in Washington, D.C., today is occupied by someone with an aggressive dislike for our heritage, our freedom, our history and our Constitution.” He means, of course, that anyone who con- tradicts his pro-corporate vision of government is anti-American. Apparently Dickie Boy has
forgotten that the political pro- cess is all about debating differ- ent positions, or he just doesn’t respect the democratic process itself. We bet it’s the latter. So what turned Armey into
such an amoral prick? Was he the victim of child abuse? We suppose that getting fucked up the ass by a relative could easily account for his cold and dispas- sionate attitude. Or maybe he actually made a deal with the devil. It certainly seems as if he’s sold his soul. Listen up, Dick: As a former
econ o mist, you’re supposed to be good with figures. Well, here’s one you should focus on: Most Americans have your number. You’re a big, fat zero. Fuck you, Asshole!
HUSTLER | ISSUE 40 11
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