THE MYSTERY MENTOR
Tales of my GURU by Hugh Scott
This month the wandering guru seems to have eaten a dictionary
B
eing a chiropodist, and fed up looking agile, athletic, muscular, limber, volant, acro-
at feet, I retrained as a dentist. My first batic, and so on.’
customer sat open-mouthed as I clattered And he pressed a buzzer, and my assist-
things on a tray, switched on enough lights ant brought tea, along with chocolate
to sink a battleship and squirted smelly biscuits that I had hoped to feed to my
anaesthetic into the air to demonstrate who patients so that they would need plenty of
was boss. fillings.
‘Rebarbative,’ said my patient, so that I ‘And you mustn’t forget the joy of
looked at him with narrowed eyes. No one words,’ said my Guru.
talked like that. Except… ‘Sometimes I do,’ I admitted.
‘Open,’ I said. ‘If a story is too simply written, the reader
‘Repellent,’ said the patient, not open- loses the delight of tripping over words
ing. ‘And obnoxious. That smell, I mean. that he hasn’t noticed before, or raising
Really! When you squirt that noisome an eyebrow at verbal contortions. A story
muck into the air, anybody would be can provide more than the unravelling
renitent about opening their mouths.’ of the plot – it can provide entertainment
He smiled with a perfect set of chom- through the author’s word-juggling skill.
pers; and I groaned, because this was Much better than –’
not a patient, but my Guru, my literary ‘No names!’ I whispered; and my Guru
Casper the friendly spirit, sprite, spook smiled his perfect smile.
or spectre, whose indubitable solidity ‘I was going to say,’ he murmured, ‘that a
invaded my presence whenever my writ- vocabulary-packed tale is much better than
ing slid downhill.
If a story is too
a story thinly drizzled on to your page.’
‘Hello,’ I said; and I was startled when ‘Nicely done,’ I said, and turned to pour
my dental assistant strode in bearing two simply written, the tea into my cup; but my assistant appeared
plates of boiled pudding she had conjured
out of the steriliser.
reader loses the
unbidden, cleared everything up and
swept to the door.
‘I said it would be all right,’ murmured
my Guru, reaching for the custard jug.
delight of raising an
She glared at me. ‘Two boiled puddings!’
she declared. ‘Then tea and umpteen bis-
‘Your vocabulary –’
eyebrow at verbal
cuits! You’re setting a bad example to any
‘You have already told me about patients we get!’
vocabulary.’
contortions
And she thumped out before I could say
‘– generates understanding. I mean, that this present patient had scoffed most
that by increasing your vocabulary, you of her delectables. Then I realised that my
increase your own understanding. deductions requires a superbly balanced Guru had gone, and my assistant – I rati-
‘Some people are skilled at explaining vocabulary; otherwise your thoughts ocinated – had no memory of my Guru’s
difficult concepts in simple language; but will wander into the endless labyrinth of request for pudding boiled in the steriliser
most of us require words with new shades woolly-mindedness; because imprecise or for the tea and biscuits.
of meaning and new music in their sounds words have more than one meaning and Typical, I thought. Not only do I pro-
in order to convey precisely the informa- having more than one meaning, they open vide the food, I get the blame as well. So I
tion we wish to impart.’ avenues of thought that lead to nonsensi- pressed the buzzer and told the assistant to
I could think of nothing I’d enjoy more at cal conclusions.’ buzz off and buy me a dictionary.
that moment than filling my Guru’s mouth ‘I see.’ I helped myself to pudding. I’d hardly understood a bally word.
with metal things and jiggling them about. ‘Clarity of thought is invaluable to any
‘Really,’ I said, wishing that he was one writer. ithout W pellucidity – in other USE IT OR LOSE IT
of these people who used simple words. words, if the writer’s thoughts are vague – ‘Renitent’ is today’s little mouthful It means
‘Ratiocination,’ he said, and paused to how can his reader gain an unerring fact or ‘reluctant’ or ‘resistant’. It is a balanced word
look at me obnixely over a spoonful of unequivocal image? which lends structure to your writing because
custard-covered pudding – ‘Now. Don’t misunderstand. It is not nec- it comprises three fi rm syllables set in a triangle
I pursed my lips. I knew perfectly well essary to heap lorry-loads of multisyllabic of sound. ‘Renitency’ is its noun.
what obnixely meant. words into your prose; but it is necessary Here is how to use it:
‘Ratiocination,’ he repeated, ‘requires for the best writers to have their finger-
fine meanings. To take an idea and extract tips full of the unexpected aphorisms, and Jim’s renitency to speak was understandable,
thin lines of thought from it, one needs spectacular pithiness of erudite vocabulary because in his mouth was the key to the handcuffs
thin words, neat words that state what is when required. that chained him to the wall.
in your mind. ‘For example, when mentioning the
‘Even if you are thinking in your head heroine in your story it is sometimes not Dramatic stuff. Be sure that your writing
– that is, without an audience – follow- enough to say that she is pretty or nice or is dramatic stuff, packed with word-gurgling
ing thin thoughts, razor-sharp notions, attractive. If your story requires the girl to English that will entertain and elevate your
piercing perceptions and needle-ended be active, then lissom comes to mind; or readers! Use um or lose um!
Writers
’
FORUM #99
39
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